The Blue Eyed Mexican

Yep, I Missed Four Days

2012-01-22T16:21:00.001-07:00

I won't be blogging 365 days this year. I thought it would make me more accountable for keeping a daily record. Then I thought... accountable to whom, exactly? Myself? Whoever it is that reads this thing? Honeychile please - my words are not that important. I have a weird way of taking something fun and turning it into work. You know your pushing it when your frantically searching your life for writing inspiration because it's 11:00 at night and you still haven't posted. Foolish. So, I'm just going to post when I feel like it, just as it should be.

We spent all day yesterday painting our kitchen. Q chose the color, and it's yet another shade of brown. The man is in love with brown. It's not what I wanted, but he loved it and I will just pull in my love of orange, cream, and turquoise for the accent colors.

I bought fabric for curtains today. It's washing up now, and I'll be sewing in a bit.

We were both tired of our circa 1990's brass (blech!) light fixture. Q just wanted to buy a new one and be done with it, but I convinced him to take it down and let me attempt a rehab. I figured if I completely botched it, we could just buy a new one then. I'm refinishing it in a hammered bronze finish. After the first coat, I thought it was wrecked, but it's looking better after a second spray. So we shall see.

I Have Nothing to Say Today

2012-01-18T19:59:00.001-07:00

But some other people do.

First, read this.

Then, watch this.

And we all need to know about this.

When you're done, do something you enjoy. Be kind to yourself, and hug the ones you love.

'Night.

Tuesday in Twenty Lines

2012-01-17T21:18:00.002-07:00

Up too early.
No coffee.
Work was busy.
Too many phone calls.
School was great.
Took a library trip.
Fixed dinner with my favorite soux chef.
Had help with the dishes.
Got to watch Glee!
Finished the laundry.
Even put it away.
Kitchen is shiny.
So is the bath.
Coffee's ready for 5:00 a.m.
Squared some fabric.
I do love to iron.
Unplugging early and going to bed.
Chico is waiting for meds and a story.
Hoping tomorrow is a good day.
And that I can sleep tonight.

Holiday

2012-01-16T18:22:00.000-07:00

What is it that just makes an extra day off of work feel so decadent? It's not like I dig ditches for a living, but a three day weekend is a great way to recharge. I'm usually wiped out by Friday afternoon.

As usual, I planned way too much for one day. My plan was to get up at 5:00 this morning and jump right into my HMC Bible study. When the alarm went off though, I couldn't haul my carcass out of bed to save myself. I slept until 7:00, and then jumped into my day.

The whole day flew by in a whirlwind of cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, more cleaning, and dinner-fixing. Now it's 6:00 and all I have to show for my holiday is a horrid knot under my left shoulder blade from some over-zealous tub scrubbing.

I think my reward for the busy day will be some DVD episodes of the BBT, and squaring and ironing my newly washed quilt fabric. That, and the sundae that Q is out picking up for me.

Spiritual Attack? Or Just a Bad Day?

2012-01-15T18:57:00.001-07:00

Today started wonderfully, with a terrific church service during which Mr. C. was exceedingly well behaved.

And then just like the proverbial excrement deflecting off the overhead cooling device, he lost his ever loving mind in the parking lot of Costco. We sat there a good 20 minutes, trying valiantly to talk him through his feelings, offering various rewards for getting through the store nicely, and finally settling for gritting our way through a miserable trip, being gaped at by the ill-mannered masses all the while.

The icing on the poo-cake was that somehow Q decided to direct his anger and disappointment with C straight at me. I get it, I do. You can't be mad at Chico, so you end up mad at whoever else is around. It still hurts though.

As I drove home feeling quite shattered, I started to wonder if maybe we were experience some kind of retribution for our church attendance this morning. The church Q grew up in teaches that he-who-lives-in-hades is always on the lookout for a Christian being too focused on God, too much on the right track and then he pounces. No sooner is your parched soul refreshed by the Word, than he stomps all over it again.

I guess that could be true. I don't know if I believe it in this case. I think sometimes bad days just happen, and sometimes they happen after a really good thing. Autism, of course, exponentially increases the odds of a good day turning bad without warning.

In the end, a consequence for Chico and a nap for everyone and all was well again. Chico and I even ventured out to JoAnn for some new fabric for Q's quilt (I decided on blue/grey after all), and he behaved so well he even earned himself a brand new rubber stamp. I still plan to make that quilt for Q, even if he was mad at me today. I'm sure he'll be mad at me again for the same non-reason in the future. Autism does that to a marriage.

At any rate, today was a good day to pull out my word for 2012.

A Post in Five Minutes

2012-01-14T18:52:00.000-07:00

Today will be short and sweet. It's been a busy day and we're going to watch a movie in a few minutes.

I stayed up way too late last night (2:00 in the morning, actually) reading this. I'd started it at 8:00, intending to read for an hour, and found couldn't put it down. It's a hard read, in that she describes some really horrible situation, but quite a gripping story if you can get past the gritty. I finally finished it about an hour ago.

We're working in a kitchen update. Q and I spent most of today removing wall border, scrubbing walls, and taping and painting. The trim is done, and we'll roll the wall color next weekend. So far so good.

I'm shopping for fabric in greens and greys. I stopped at two stores yesterday, browsed for an hour and a half, and didn't find a single fabric I liked. However, I fell in love with every single blue in the place. Why is it that I always find stuff I love in every color except the one I'm looking for? I think I'm just weird.

Why We Homeschool

2012-01-13T11:41:00.001-07:00

Inspired by the discussion started by the ever-lovely Heather of Oh My Stinkin' Heck, I'm thinking today about the reasons why homeschooling became the best choice for our family.

Now, I don't believe that homeschool is the only valid option for education. I don't even believe that homeschool is the best choice for every family. For ours, it is not only the best option, but became our only option after the disastrous year that Chico spent in public school.

We homeschool because

Chico learns best in a 1:1 teaching environment. Since C is my only child, I have the luxury of tailoring each and every school day to what works for us at the time. For example, we've been using the same basic visual schedule and subject order since we started homeschooling. A month ago, math had become a sticking point, and was often the catalyst for a meltdown. I decided to try moving math from it's place as the third item on our schedule to the very first spot, employing the "Eat That Frog!" principle. So far, it's worked. Chico gets his math done when his energy and patience stores (mine as well, truth be told) are at their highest. The rest of the schedule looks easier because our most difficult task is done first. In a classroom full of children, such a change would likely be impossible.

Chico's skills are uneven. Like many autistic individuals, Chico shows amazing strengths in some areas, and deficiencies that would put him into the 'impaired' category in others. Homeschool allows us the opportunity to reframe his work to not only take advantage of his strengths and allow him the sweet taste of success, but also to reinforce those weaker skills and allow him to strengthen them. In theory a public school IEP is supposed to accomplish the same end, but our experience was that C's work was being completed 'for' him rather than being tailored to him.

Our school day is dedicated to his success. As the parent of a special needs child, your chief objective is getting your child's needs met. You cannot be concerned with any other child in the class. If there is ever a conflict, then the choice has to be your child's benefit, even up to and including pulling resources from someone else. That's just the way it is. There are only so many hours, providers, and money to go around, and there is no room for sympathy in the world of special education. In our 'class', all resources, time, and money are dedicated to Chico. There is no competition, no time when he is pushed aside, no busy-work to keep him occupied while I work with someone else. It's all for and about him.

The 'sit still and work' part of our day is short. We do have 'desk work'. There's no getting around it, and I do think that concentration and attention to task are valuable skills. However, for us this amounts to about 1 - 1.5 hours total; the rest of the time Chico can move if he needs to. In fact, we regularly go out to walk the dog as the wrap up to our school day, and reinforce what we've worked on along the way. I believe that the combination of the physical activity and discussion really helps to cement concepts for C.

Chico takes a while to learn new skills. Probably longer than most NT children. He does get it eventually though, and that's okay. I'm glad that we can give him the time and repetition he needs to get things. Mastery is more important to me than speed, and it's equally important to me to make sure that C doesn't always feel that he's failing. I believe strongly in setting children up for success, not by making work falsely easy, but by allowing adequate time for practice before evaluation. In a setting that's set up for a strict time and testing schedule, that doesn't happen.

We tried public school, and it failed us. We gave public school a try. They responded to C's needs by warehousing him, and eventually by isolating him for large parts of the day. Chico ended his public school career with the exact same skills he began with, and with fears he never had before attending. I still don't believe that public school is inherently wrong. Some children do well there. Ours didn't though, and I'm glad I recognized that and pulled him out before any more damage was done.

I get to be there to encourage him when he's struggling, and to witness the moments when a concept just 'clicks'. And really, that for me is worth all of the work.

Friday, Finally

2012-01-12T20:57:00.000-07:00

One day to go, and then the weekend begins. This has been the longest week. I am so over cooking and cleaning this week. Must remember to get my crock pot going in the morning to save me some bother in the afternoon. I need to find something to cut out of my life. Between work, home school, and the constant cooking and cleaning that's needed, I'm just burned out. I'm trying to think of some make-ahead meals I can do on the weekend.

I'm looking forward to planning out my next quilt this weekend. I'm searching for simple patterns. I've only made one quilt so far, but like anything, practice is the best way to improve. I was planning on working on a quilt for me, but I think I'd rather work on one for Q.

Ah, look at that, it's almost 9:00. Time to get myself and Chico ready for bed. I don't know why I'm so tired lately. I go to sleep around 10:00 or 11:00, and I have to drag myself out of bed when the alarm goes off at 6:00. I'm planning to try and set my wake up time back to 5:00 next week, so I'm going to have to figure out an earlier bed time. What's worked for me so far is just to force myself to get up at 4:30 or 5:00 on the first day regardless of what time I've gone to bed. It makes for a very tiring first day, but for me it seems like it's more effective to get it over with all at once. I've never been able to follow the common advice to move back by 10-15 minutes until I'm on a new schedule.

And that's today's news from La Casa Azul.

No Complaints

2012-01-11T20:43:00.000-07:00

Chico woke up cheerful and chatty this morning. I got to work on time. School went off without a hitch (thanks to a little help from my friend the fruit snack). I worked in a half hour of exercise before I got to work on dinner. Q finished the after dinner dishes AND emptied the grody water from the sink (he always leaves it). I got my e-mail issues resolved with only the loss of a few old archives. Chico agreed to a bath without fussing. I'm going to work out for another half hour after I post this. I remembered by nighty-night pills and I think I'll get some sleep tonight.

Some days, things go really, really well. I just wanted to document it.

Ten for Tuesday and Dreaming

2012-01-10T20:53:00.000-07:00

As I'm wont to do, I started to drown myself in the details of Goal setting for this year. Exasperated at my propensity to get bogged down in the details, I deleted my computerized (with footnotes and references, could you just barf?!?) list, grabbed a pen and notebook, and came up with these.

My rationale was that working quickly might give me better insight as to which goals are closest to my heart. I think it worked. Here they are:

Be at church 52 Sundays in a row.
Finish a Bible study.
Stay on a budget.
Have one Mom & Chico night a week.
Spend one evening / day a week on Q's choice of activity.
Take a family photo for each season.
Call both siblings and my parents once a week.
Eat Veg or Vegan at least one day a week.
Exercise 260 days this year.
Complete two quilts.

I have more than ten, of course. I wouldn't be me if I didn't plan for more than I can ever hope to do. These ten will be my core. As I work on other goals that I have, I plan to continually refer back to these ten. If there's a conflict, then I'll be able to shift my energies back to the higher priority goals.

Our #Finishyear assignment today is: Dream Bigger Than Yourself. I plan to ask Q about his dream when he gets up from his nap, but in the meantime, I'm curious... What's your dream?

How I Knew I Was Free

2012-01-09T20:44:00.000-07:00

He invaded my sleep again. In a dream sequence filled with family from my past, I opened the door, and there he stood.

And he smiled that toothy grin that seemed like it should have been dripping with blood. The one that has driven me, at various points in my life, running for a glass of wine; a razor; a Bible. The one last usually makes me spring awake, heart pounding, and feeling like I need to vomit or shower.

I don't know how I knew, but it was clear to me that the newborn I wore against my chest and the little blond girl he carried were the same. They both were me.

This time I met his eye. As I reached for the door, a look of confusion crossed his face. The smile evaporated just as I shut it slowly, with a soft click. I turned away, and lowered my lips to the fuzzy head of the child in my arms.

Then, I slept until morning.

Sunday

2012-01-08T18:20:00.001-07:00

I did manage to stay home for most the day today. My only foray into the city was a quick trip to Target, where I bought some DVD's for me and some clothes for Chico. He's growing so fast! We're nearly back to the 1 and 2 year old days where his clothes would only fit for a few weeks before bring relegated to the donation box.

I carved out a bit of time to work on a piece of furniture that I'm rehabbing. The rest of my day was spent cleaning the bathroom, doing laundry, baking, and fixing dinner.

This evening's goal is to get all of our school work prep completed for the week, blog (done!), and make up a new layout for my desktop. Oh yeah, and put the final load if laundry away.

Should be fun!

Longing for Quiet

2012-01-07T17:12:00.000-07:00

I made the mistake of shopping today.

We hit Costco and WalMart for our weekly stock up. Both were as crowed, noisy, and poorly stocked as they were pre-Christmas. It tooks us 3+ hours to wind our way through the crowds and make it home.

I am completely wiped out. My eyes hurt, my head aches, and my ears are tired from all the ambient noise. Chico did surprisingly well, and is currently chirping away, happily watching a video on his iPad.

My reward for today's sensory overload is that I am not leaving my house tomorrow. I may not even get out of my jammies. Q is unhappy about my plans, feeling that staying home is a torturous exercise. However, to him I say, "Pooh to you buddy, I've earned a day at home if I want it." Is it horrible that I'm secretly hoping he'll find some errand that will take him out of the house for several hours tomorrow? Sometimes I wish we'd bought a duplex and could trade off spending one day a week alone.

I'm going to use the remainder of my computer time today uploading this book to my iPod. JCB is a great writer, her narration of audio books is some of my favorite noise-cancelling therapy.

Grace is the Word

2012-01-06T22:02:00.000-07:00

All the cool kids are selecting a single word to be their goal / inspiration for 2012.

It sounds like a good idea to me. Man, I'm becoming a bandwagon-jumper in my old age.

I've been thinking all day of the possibilities... Healthy? Patient? Dream? All good, and all things I need to work on, but the one that really speaks to me is

Grace

Instead of negative self talk, I will use kind words of encouragement. Instead of replying in kind when my son and husband are short with me, I will try to remember that there is probably something else they are dealing with. In my dealings with family, I will stop keeping score of all the times I'm the one who picks up the phone (almost always) and just be happy to talk to them. When I'm on the phone with work clients, I will try to remember that they don't deal with these issues day in and day out like I do, and will be patient with their questions. I will try to keep my eyes open for opportunities to help and encourage those who are struggling.

I will remember to be thankful every day, for the Grace that blesses my life, and I will try to bless those around me in kind.

Blogging Schedule & Goals, Continued

2012-01-05T12:20:00.000-07:00

There are lots of days that I come here, start a post, and then either chuck it or leave it to languish in my drafts folder.

I love those days when I'm inspired by a book, news item, project, or even another blog, and the post is written and published without so much personal angst and editing.

I know some bloggers use a topic-schedule for their writing. I'm toying with trying that for the next month to see how it affects my ability to write and actually publish.

I'm still working on my goals for 2012. My biggest problem is setting too many. In searching for perfection, I think I sometimes set unrealistic goals for all areas of my life. The plan for 2012 is to set realistic goals, let go of idealism, and remind myself that I can always go back and edit or set new goals. I don't know why I have to spell it out that way for myself, but I do.

Goals

2012-01-04T13:08:00.000-07:00

Do you read Stuff Christians Like? If not, you're missing out. Jon has declared 2012 the 'Finish' year. Read all about it here.

This week's task is to write my goals. I'm brainstorming and trying to narrow down my list. So far:

Fitness
Exercise 5 days/week every week this year.
Practice 80/20 eating for 52 straight weeks.

Personal
Write a personal mission statement.
Pare down my internet use to 30 minutes per week night.

Marriage
Let go of my long-held cinderella dreams and be grateful for my Real marriage.
Write Q one love letter a month.

Parenting
Devote 1 night a week entirely to Chico - that means none of 'my' stuff until he's asleep.
Take C on at least one kid-centric outing a month.

Family
Eat dinner at the table together at least 5 nights a week.

Financial
Write a new budget and check in monthly.
Replenish our vehicle savings for our next car replacement.

Captain's Log

2012-01-03T21:33:00.002-07:00

Had a great afternoon. School went smashingly, and Mr. C. was in rare form for attentiveness, cooperativeness, and fact recall. His reward was a walk with the dog (exercise, and pet therapy ooooh, sneaky!), and was well earned.

The evening was equally grand. Dinner was an easy fix, Q joined us at the dinner table, and I even fit in a half hour each of work in C's quilt and Tai Chi.

'Round about 8 pm, I decided I'd give my nails a fresh coat of varnish.

Mistake. Miss take. Missss Taaaake.

To allow for a relaxed and peaceful(ish) bedtime routine, I have to get C into his room, into his jammies, and into his bed by 8:30.

You see where I'm going, don't you?

I looked up at the clock at 8:58, realized how late it was, and told C it was bedtime.

Mistake #1: Starting my manicure too late.
Mistake #2: Not setting a timer (for myself).
Mistake #3: Announcing bedtime abruptly instead of giving ten and five-minute warnings.

Needless to say, it blew right up in mah face. C argued, screamed, slapped himself, and threw things at me. He refused to listen to me read, and is sniffling himself to sleep instead.

When will I get this right?

Autism is hard, y'all.

Christmas 2011 Recap

2012-01-02T18:47:00.000-07:00

Before we get too far into 2012, I'd better recap this year's Christmas.

My parents, sister, and brother-in-law made it up. Getting them out of New Mexico was the hard part. A storm hit on the day they were meant to leave, so their departure was delayed by 6+ hours, from early morning to mid afternoon. Adding to that the fact that it took them almost seven hours to get out of NM, instead of the usual four, and it made for an even longer trip than normal for them.

I was so relieved when they finally pulled into our driveway at 3:00 in the morning. Time for the festivities to begin!

We spent Christmas Eve at my brother's house. We let C take a few gifts along, so he could enjoy opening them with my nephews. It was supposed to be just the kids opening a few gifts, but my parents declared us all 'kids' and encouraged us to join in as well.

C was thrilled to receive several Hot Wheels sets, a bunch of cars to go with them, a Dagedar track, the Toy Story Landfill play set, some coloring supplies, a DS game, an Angry Birds poster, and several small stocking filla toys.

I was gifted with lots of cards to spend at Starbucks, a gorgeous topaz ring, and gift cards to my favorite book and makeup stores.

Q was the recipient of some new track pants, several iTunes cards, and several other restaurant / store gift cards.

Our Christmas this year didn't include as many gifts as in years past, but every one was appreciated and will be enjoyed.

Christmas dinner was at our house. Christmas fell on Sunday, and we had a wonderful church service.

Right after church, we raced home so I could get dinner done. Folks who'd pledge to come and help out didn't make it, so I ended up quite stressed and near tears trying to get it all done myself. Finally Q came in and helped me with a few things, which saved the day.

We enjoyed some great food and company, then everyone wanted to take a drive to see the Christmas lights. I still had a lot to do to get everything cleaned up and put away, so I decided to stay home. Q and C stayed with me, although they did more lolling in front of the TV than helping me.

After a second scrub down of my house, I fell into bed with a new book.

What a fun and exhausting Christmas!

365 Posts in 2012 - Can She Do It?

2012-01-01T23:55:00.000-07:00

I don't know for sure, but I'm going to try.

Today will be short & sweet... Typing from an iPad is too fussy.

Tomorrow comes an actual post.

'Til then...

I Want to be Her - the Wife Edition

2011-12-23T10:16:00.001-07:00

I want to be the wife who meets her husband's eyes and smiles when he walks in the door.

I want to be the wife who asks for her husband's opinion and doesn't try to tell him why that opinion is wrong.

I want to be the wife who can discuss the greatness of God with her husband, and know the he believes it too.

I want to be the wife who is quick with a kind word and slow with sarcasm.

I want to be the wife who never rolls her eyes or sighs heavily to let her husband know she's annoyed by him.

I want to be the wife who sits next to her husband on the couch, not because they're into the same program, but because near him is her favorite place to be.

I want to be the wife that prays for him daily, not just during the hard times.

I want to be the wife that enables him to follow his dreams.

I want to be the wife who reminds him of the good in the world, not sanctimoniously, but with complete sincerity.

I want to be the wife who grows old with the same man she grew up with.

I want to be the wife that always considers the 'us' before the 'me'.

I want to be the wife who tells him how amazing he is, and how she loves him, and how there is no one else she'd rather have than him.

I Want to be Her - the Motherhood Edition

2011-12-22T13:44:00.000-07:00

I want to be the mom who plays with her son every day, without once looking at the clock.

I want to be the mom whose child always asks to help, because he feels needed and valued as part of his family.

I want to be the mom who listens to her son read at night, and doesn't fidget because it's taking sooooo loooong.

I want to be the mom who takes walks with her boy, because she knows that some of their best conversations have taken place on the sidewalk.

I want to be the mom who lays aside her sewing to come over and exclaim over a new artistic creation.

I want to be the mom who knows that tending to behavior issues is more important than getting a chore done right this second.

I want to be the mom who knows that verbalizing expectations is more valuable than tending to behavior issues after the fact.

I want to be the mom who recognizes that behavior is communication, especially for an Autistic person.

I want to be the mom who listens intently, faces her child when he speaks, and never parrots back absentmindedly as a substitute for having an actual conversation.

I want to be the mom who, when her son is grown, can look back on his childhood and know that he was the most precious gift in her life.

Reprieve

2011-12-20T10:47:00.000-07:00

We had the big talk yesterday... I'd expected a confirmation that our childcare arrangements would in fact be ending in a couple of weeks. I was okay with that, after having spent the last month working out the financial details of surviving on one income while I found a job in the evenings.

Instead, LA said she was okay with continuing to look after Chico in our home. So I guess things will stay the same after all. I get to keep my job, and she will continue to nanny for us.

The last month has been a good opportunity for Q and I to really examine where our money is going. I've been more aware of every penny I spend than I have been in years. Our Christmas was pared down by choice, since we didn't know what our financial situation was going to be post-Christmas. Amazingly, yesterday's bit of good news did not make us feel like rushing out for a few more gifts. Instead, we are content with what's done. I'm writing this out to refer back to in the years to come, when I start to feel like the number of boxes under the tree makes or breaks the holiday.

Now, lest it seem that I've gone all Pollyanna, I'll also write my doomsday (not really) prediction. I'm not confident that this will work out long term. I'm preparing for the eventuality that she will need to move on, probably within the year (2012-ish). To that end, I still plan to employ the same cost-cutting measures we'd discussed. I'm still trying to toe the $100-a-week for grocery and household supplies line I'd drawn for myself. I'm still planning to downgrade our cable service and look into prepaid cell phones. I'm going to try and save even more that we already do, and track our expenses weekly. That way when I really do have to leave my job, things will be in place for a smooth transition.

Other financial changes we plan to make:

I'm going to give myself a $20/month blow budget for makeup and hair products, etc. Since this is a small amount, I'll do it in cash. I want to pay C an allowance which will be on a 'gone when it's gone' basis. This is more for me than him, since I tend to buy him way to much stuff. It's that smile on his face when I pick something he really likes. It's totally addicting. I plan to create a new written budget and have a monthly check in to see how it's going.

The last few weeks have been stressful, but they've been a blessing too. I've had to face some financial truths that I'd been conveniently glossing over. I've relied on prayer and scripture to help me sleep at night. I've realized that I have everything I need and want. That has been my greatest gift this Christmas.

In the Aftermath

2011-12-19T12:37:00.000-07:00

So, I wrote the last post, had myself a big old sobfest (actually, a quiet, teary snifflefest), and then saddled up to get on with my day.

There was laundry to do, and a house to clean, and a sweet boy to entertain. So we put on a Muppets CD and danced to Manamana and I'm Gonna Always Love You until we landed in a laughing heap on the couch. Then Chico helped me put toys away and fold a batch of unders, remarking candidly, as he's wont to do, on the difference in size between his'n and mine. Uncouth of course, but funny was needed more than manners yesterday.

Then we made a trip to the shops to finish up our Christmas gifting, and when we got home, Q fixed dinner while I wrapped my little fingers off.

And that's how it goes with us, mostly joyus, sometimes not. Not so different from any other family, I suppose.

The One I'll Probably Delete

2011-12-18T11:29:00.000-07:00

I love begin a mom. I do, I do, I do. I'm grateful every day for the opportunity to parent this amazing kid.

But sometimes, I miss my old life. The one I had for 27 years. Parenting a child with Autism is exhausting, especially when you have no one to take them for even a few minutes, other than when you're paying top dollar for someone to tend them while you work.

I miss these things the most...

Quiet. Chico's mission in life is to fill every waking moment with sound. From the blare of his dvd player to the constant echolalia to the incessant asking of the same questions over and over, to the need for verbally talk through every step of every action, there is no quiet when C is awake. Sometimes I hide in the school room for a few minutes. Sometimes I put in ear plugs. Mostly, I just grit my teeth and remember to be grateful that he speaks.

Going places alone. I am so thankful for how bonded C is to me. He is loving and affectionate, and smart to boot. He knows that that only time I leave him is when I go to work. So if he sees me trying to sneak out to to an errand alone, he is quickly there with his shoes, ready to come along. How can I refuse that? So I don't. The downside is that I've left the house alone maybe ten times in the last eight years.

My marriage. Q and I are great partners. We agree on money issues, parenting issues, and even religious ones. However, our lives are so consumed by C's needs that we've become room mates who are fond of one another. I miss my husband, even though he's always here. I don't think he's even noticed. I don't think it's fixable, and that breaks my heart.

Rest. There's never enough of it. I'm either working, cooking, cleaning, schooling, reading (mostly about schooling and autism), or planning one of the above every minute of the day, it seems. In another life, I used to spend guilt-free hours reading books I enjoyed. I haven't done that in years, and I don't see the opportunity to do so any time soon.

Man, this is a bummer. Posts like this make me glad no one reads here anymore.

Grinchy

2011-12-17T17:48:00.000-07:00

Just over a week until Christmas? How did that happen? It seems like the summer just ended.

Our gift list is a lot shorter than usual this year. Thanks to the unknowns surrounding whether or not I'll be keeping my job, my urge to shop is completely gone. Q and I decided to purchase one big-ole-mama-expensive gift for C, and two smaller ones from his self written wish list. We have eight gifts to buy for my family, and two on his side, and we've agreed that not adding to the money hemorrhaging will be our gift to each other. Truly there's nothing I want or need, so just spending time with my two favorite guys will be enough for me.

I have two gifts left to buy and I'm done. Thank heaven for that. I took Chico shopping with me earlier today and he had the worst day he's had in months. At one point, we were both in tears. I was so wiped out that I had to have a nap this afternoon. So yeah, I think the Boy will be staying out of the store for the next ten days or so.

My parents and sister will be here next week. I am beyond excited. It's sad, but I never see my brother except when they are in town. We are all so busy, and I have learned that I need some down time every week, so we don't do much visiting. If it were up to Q, we'd all three be out running around every free moment, but C and I really do need quite a bit of time on our quiet home to recharge. Crazy as our life can be, there's still nowhere quite as soothing to me as our own little home.

Finish Line

2011-11-30T20:16:00.001-07:00

I made it! Hurray for me! I've attempted NaBloPoMo for the last four years, but this is the first year that I've made it. It behooves me to remember how helpful it's been to write through the events of the last week; normally I'd have clammed up with my fear and worry and not said a word. That's my normal MO. I still didn't talk about it much to my IRL people, with the exception of Q and my sister, but just writing through it helped.

I'm thinking of setting a BHAG* of posting every day in 2012. Depends on a lot of life stuff, but it could be fun.

I'm looking forward to a hot bath and some reading tonight. First though, I'm going to get my launch pad ready for the morning, and mix up a batch of peppermint sugar scrub.

*Big Hairy Audacious Goal

But There is Joy

2011-11-29T22:56:00.000-07:00

I deleted two blogs from my feed reader tonight.

I've read them for years; they are written by a mom of six kids and I discovered them once day when I happened upon a list of LDS women blogs.

Today I read an entry she'd posted about subbing in a special ed class for Autistic kids. She said it was just sad to watch them. She said she wouldn't want to be there every day, but once in a while was fine.

Nothing offensive, really. But yet...

It took me all of five seconds to want to unsubscribe. I felt that too-familiar punch in the gut feeling that I get when someone cuts their eyes at him or makes rude or mocking comments. It gave me that sick acid-bile ache that I get when I tell someone C has Autism and they answer with a nearly whispered "Oooh, that's so sad. I'm sorry." It made me feel weary, and angry, and like no one will ever see C and people like him for what they really are.

C isn't sad, or hopeless. He feels every emotion so truly, so authentically, that it's a wonder to behold. He has lost none of the truth with which we are all born, and I hope he never does. When he's mad, he's pissed, and he lets you know. When he's scared, he doesn't put on a face of false bravado. When he's happy, he hugs your neck and tells you all about it.

For all the tantrums, for all the struggles, for all the work it takes him and us just to get through the day, one thing I can hold as true when C is around...

There is joy.

Just Some Thoughts

2011-11-28T19:27:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's only been a week since we've had to start considering this major change for Chico. It feels like it's been dragging on forever. I'm so ready for a decision to be made one way or the other; this anxiety is killing me.

How do other parents of Autistic kids do it? I wonder sometimes if my inclination to be overly protective of him makes things harder than they need to be. Would he find some benefit in public school? Is he better served by me continuing to earn an income and leave his insurance as is, or by me being home with him every day? I'm beginning to wonder if I should at least ask for a meeting with our local p.s. Special Education Supervisor to see if there's anything they can offer C. I guess if we do give it a try and it doesn't work, then we can always go back to home school.

That leads me to wonder about the summer. What then? I'll still be at a loss as to what to do with C during my work hours. Looking into school options may just be prolonging the inevitable.

I remember that old saying "It takes a village to raise a child." Maybe it's true. Too bad we don't have a village.

Day 28

2011-11-27T21:17:00.000-07:00

I may make it through NaBloPoMo yet. I'm off to watch Chondra Pierce's new Christmas movie, so let's see what I can do with ten minutes...

We're still planning for the end of our financial world as we know it in five weeks. I'd love to land a work at home position that would net me at least a part-time income. My research has led me only to data entry and transcription so far, but I'm also planning to look into virtual assisting.

I finished my first quilt top today. It's a super simple t-shirt quilt, but I'm excited to have finished it up. Some of the blocks don't quite line up, but I'm leaving it as a true example of my first try. Now I just need add the batting and backing, tie it up, and teach myself to bind. Easy peasy, right?

This week I have felt so helpless and hopeless. I've cried so much just trying to see what good could possibly come from this situation. I'm still trying to see that. Am I too materialistic? Have I started to value making money too much? I just can't see right now what God is trying to teach me with this situation, but I hope I will soon.

2011-11-26T23:08:00.000-07:00

Busy day. We decked the halls, went to the movies, and I worked on C's T-shirt quilt.

Too tired for a proper post.

'Night.

Changes

2011-11-25T20:26:00.001-07:00

We talked to A about our feelings regarding exposing Chico to her new 'roommate'. She said she understood, but was very reluctant to commit to caring for C at our place. Eventually she agreed to watch him here for the next few weeks, as we've paid her in advance for that much time. I'm certain it won't be something she wants to do long term, so in our minds these last few weeks will be the end of her watching Chico. It looks like I'll be getting my dream of being a stay at home mom, after all. At least, Q is trying to get me to see it that way. All I can see is a super-tight budget with very little room for growing our savings, and all of the changes to C's medical care that I'll have to navigate.

I'm looking around online for some work at home opportunities. Q would like for me to forgo that for a bit and just see how the money works out. He's confident that we'll be just fine, and has assured me that he has lots of opportunity for working overtime that will pad our income even more. I just love that man. Then thing is, I've never not had my own income. I've always earned a relatively good living, and have never really had to hold back in purchasing things I wanted. Not that I'm a spendthrift, but I'm uncomfortable even buying a lip gloss with money that's not "mine". He's trying to convince me that it's all our money, and I agree with that, as long as we're both contributing. Although I totally buy into the idea of the value of the stay at home parent's work, evidently I only believe that as it pertains to other people. I fully intend to find a job, either at home or in the evenings, but I have to earn some actual dollahs to feel like I'm contributing.

I'm trying not to think too much about leaving my job, since the thought makes me want to cry. I love my work, and my coworkers. We're like a family. I'm going to miss them so much. I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing what's right for my real family by leaving. I feel like a selfish louse for being sad, but that's where I am right now.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm moving on to Acceptance, and trying to come up with a plan. I believe that God has a plan for each of us, and that what is happening now is part of His plan for our family. Even so, it's hard to accept these changes.

Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T21:24:00.000-07:00

Today was okay-ish. I wasn't totally in the holiday spirit, but we'd already planned to have everyone over for dinner, so I pulled on my apron and my cute Querido kept me company in the kitchen all day.

We had dinner done about 20 minutes before our guests were to arrive; unfortunately, they were about an hour late, so we were juggling stove and oven temps trying to keep everything warm without burning and/or drying things out. Everyone eventually made it though, and we ate and visited for the next couple of hours.

That was it, really. This is the least enjoyable Thanksgiving I can remember having. Just lots of life stuff is affecting our whole family, and it's hard to enjoy the holidays. I have a feeling Christmas will be more of the same, but at least my parents will be here to celebrate with us.

Today I'm thankful for Christ, who has our family in His hand, even when we can't feel it.

And So...

2011-11-23T12:22:00.000-07:00

It appears that our daycare situation may be irretrievably broken. There are Things that need to be Hashed Out as it were, and sooner than later is better in my book. I'm not able to eat or sleep, and I won't be until I know for sure what's to happen and can begin to work on a plan.

The short of it is that C's daytime caregiver is planning to move in with a man she's been dating for a few months. Her plan was that she'd continue to care for him at the apartment she'll be sharing with this person, who we've never met. I was so taken aback by her announcement, that I could only stammer a feeble "Oh?"

The kicker? This is all to happen within the next few days.

The bottom line is that I can't allow someone I don't know that kind of proximity to Chico. I know all to well what can happen to a child when you trust the wrong person, and I won't do that.

What it comes down to is that things will either have to be moved to our house, where the boyfriend will not be present, or we'll have to make some hard choices.

Lovely way to head into the holidays...

2011-11-22T21:32:00.000-07:00

~~Well, so a few things were hashed out yesterday, and I'm tentatively hopeful that things will work out short term.~~

We had a bomb dropped on us today, while not completely unexpected, it is disappointing nonetheless.

No real post today. I'm too busy trying to figure out what the heck I'm gonna do next.

Today I'm thankful for savings in the bank, and my marketable skills.

Headache, Heartache

2011-11-21T12:53:00.000-07:00

I mentioned I've been having sitter issues lately. Chico has always been lucky to be cared for by a family member. My sister-in-law has been his nanny since he was 12 weeks old. I have always had the privilege of being able to earn a good income, have great insurance for C, and pay her very generously for her time.

In the last year and a half, she's had a huge life shift. Her husband basically kicked her out and filed for divorce. She's been floundering for the last 18 months; I really think that she cannot define herself apart of being in someone's girlfriend or wife. Chico has had to endure some changes to his location and schedule as she's moved from her home to her daughter's rental to the home and her daughter and Son-in-law bought last year.

Throughout this time, we've tried to be understanding and helpful. We have paid her for time that she's not watched Chico, Q has repaired her car, paid for parts and tires, and I have spent my own time writing legal responses in her divorce. She in turn, has been less and less reliable when it comes to tending C. She's often asleep when we arrive, meaning that we have to knock and wait for several minutes for her to answer the door. The last few weeks have been even worse; she's evidently found a new boyfriend and is spending nights at his place. I have been late to work every day for the last two weeks, as I've had to phone her and wait for her to show up so I can leave Chico.

I think what's really hurtful is that just the week before last she asked Q and I for $1100 to get her car back after it had been repossessed. We did so, at no small strain to our own budget, just to help her yet again. The very next morning, I was late again to work as I had to wait for her to arrive.

I have prayed and prayed about what to do. I've tried to come to peace with putting C in public school during the day, but my heart tells me that it's just not the right thing to do. It's looking more and more like I'll have to leave the job I love to stay home with Chico. Giving up my income and Chico's insurance is just making me sick. I don't mind so much going without for myself, but we've worked so hard to get him to comfortable with his doctors, and it's going to be hard to start over again. He's used to having fun outings and nice things, and I hate to take that away from him. Q's job will pay our bills, but we won't have any fun money or a safety net anymore. I will have to find a job of some kind, just to cover his medication costs and pay the grocery bill.

I'm anxious and stressed. I can't eat or sleep, and I just don't know what to do. I normally don't share anything this personal in this space. This is just me trying to work through my anxiety and grief, and trying to figure out what to do next.

Handwritten

2011-11-20T21:58:00.000-07:00

Holiday Hullabaloo

2011-11-19T06:01:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's Friday already. We've had a great week. Our fall weather has been cool and dry so far, so we've taken the opportunity to take a long walk with the long every afternoon before we start our school work. Chico and I have had some fun conversations while getting some much needed exercise. I plan to continue walking as many days as we can, even throughout the winter. We'll just need to get some snow boots for the dog.

Work is super busy, but good. We have three holidays during the month of November, which is a nice way to break up the month. I think we're hosting Thanksgiving at our house this year. I kind of would rather skip it and have a lazy day with Q and C, but my nephew's going to be home alone and SIL's family is having some financial struggles. I know the good and right thing to do is open our home for the holiday, so I'm trying to shore up my good cheer.

We need to sort out our gift plan for Q's family. Several family members are struggling with money, and we have to figure out how to avoid creating a burden for anyone. We've tried drawing names or drawing families, but it's hard to make it equitable, since some families are small and some are huge. I wish there were a way to just skip the gift giving and let everyone enjoy the spirit of the holiday.

I'm looking forward to traditions like decorating the house, singing carols, putting up our Jesse tree, reading a different Christmas book every night, and having company over. We're going to try and get our outdoor lights put up this weekend if the weather cooperates

On Scars

2011-11-18T06:20:00.000-07:00

I had a horrible public school experience. I suffered more from grades 1-8 than I have ever shared with anyone. I was bullied. I was physically assaulted. Horrible rumors were spread about me. I was sexually harassed by students and adults. I wondered what it was about me that made me such a target.

I wanted to die.

I don't remember how much of it I shared with my parents, but I know I hid a lot. Huge blocks of my life are lost to me now. I can only really remember a handful of things until I was about 13. It's like I didn't exist before then. Yes, I've heard of regression therapy. No, I'm not interested. I've decided that my mind has blocked those years for a reason, and I'm not keen to go mining for memories.

I can't ever recall my parents doing anything to intervene in the hell I endured. I walked home from school every day for two years with a pack of girls at my heels, calling me names, pulling things out of my bag, pushing me back and forth between them. My heart would pound and I just wished a car would hit me and end it all. Was I that good at hiding what I was going through? Surely I must have been. Why else would it have continued?

Those years of constant abuse have shaped much of who and what I am today. I'm not outgoing. I'd rather be in the safety of my home with the people I love than anywhere else. It takes me a while to warm up to new people. I have to observe them for a while to make sure they're 'safe' for me to interact with. I am quick to cut someone out of my life if I think I need to.

I am a very protective and observant mother. Whether we are out or entertaining guests in our home, I am constantly aware of Chico. He's never out of my sight for long. My vow to him has always been to keep him safe. I tell him every day that no one is allowed to hurt him. I tell him every day that he is smart and beautiful and valuable. I have taught him well to respect himself and his body and to insist that others do the same. I want him to know he's important enough to fight for, and that I will always fight for him.

I don't want his heart to bear the same scars as mine.

A Grandmother's Legacy

2011-11-17T06:35:00.000-07:00

I think of them often.

There is 'M', we called her Nana. She had impossibly tiny hands and pointed-oval fingernails. Her hair was always in a ponytail and her laugh was infectious. She taught me to embroider and loved to play board games. Thirteen of her own children was not enough, so she adopted four more. She made me a quilt; it's still the most favored blanket in my house. Her smile came all the way to her eyes. Before her time came, she told me who was to have each of her personal treasures. She had so many grandchildren, but I was always sure she loved me the best.

There is 'F', we called her Grandma. She was a wee whirlwind of a woman, always busy. If she wasn't washing dishes or scrubbing down walls, she was cooking a virtual mountain of tortillas. Even when sitting, she was never still. Her hands flew, crocheting treasures, gold rings catching the light and sparkling like she did. She sang songs in Spanish, and clicked her grape flavored BubbleYum as she talked. She raised a large family on so little money, but I never heard her complain. She remembered birthdays and taught us to crochet. She let us play with her collection of movie star barbies (Cher and Farrah Fawcett were my favorites) and jump on her bed. When Cabbage Patch Kid mania hit in the 80's, she sewed a wee dress for each one of our dolls. Mine was peach colored with tiny white polka dots, and Miss Teresa Marie still wears it to this day. She had so many grandchildren, but I was always sure she loved me the best.

I loved them then; I miss them now. They left me so much, and I hope I have made them proud.

Time Capsule

2011-11-16T06:35:00.002-07:00

I started this blog in 2006. Before that I had a few that I started, wrote in sporadically, and then blew up when I found myself pulled in another direction. That was when I still thought I had to have a 'voice' and a platform from which all posts had to spring.

The thing I love most about having this record is that I can go back and read it again. Much like my ink-doodled Mead Neatbooks ('member those??) from the 90's, it's a fun (or sometimes horrifying) way to pass a few hours when I'm feeling nostalgic. Some of my posts take me right back to the moment I wrote them... others are unrecognizable, and I wonder whose words they are.

For a while, I wanted to emulate the mommybloggers who were finding success, both personal and financial, with their blogs. I read account after account of moms who began writing as a creative or cathartic outlet and suddenly were able to quit their paying jobs and write full time. I've since accepted that that will never be me. For one thing, I'm not a good enough writer. For another, I'll never be comfortable opening my life up to a degree that would ensure that sort of success. I delete far more than I publish, for fear of violating the privacy of someone I
care about. I've also gone back and removed posts where I felt I might have said too much. In the end though, I've come back to just writing what / when / about the things I want to. I will never have a large readership, and I'm no longer interested in building. I just want to have a voice, this voice, even if I'm the only one who ever hears it.

Today I'm thankful for finally realizing that I am enough.

2011-11-15T21:32:00.000-07:00

Not sure how I'm feeling about posting every day. It's nice to have the accountability, but in some ways it's feeling like a chore. Not that I needed another one.

C and I took another long walk with the dog today. I'm determined to enjoy this autumn and winter instead of whining about it like I always do. We live in a place with four distinct seasons. It's time to embrace that or move. I've wondered if my habit of staying indoors to avoid the cold and snow (thereby avoiding the sunshine) is the reason for my seasonal moroseness. Guess we'll see.

Speaking of the ineffable Mr. Chico, he's just now having a bit of a fit on account of I turned off his lava lamp so he'd go to sleep. This after plying me with kisses and telling me I'm the best mom in the whole universe. Nothing is ever boring with this kid. Eh, it's all right. Good practice for when he's a teen and I refuse him my car keys, anyway.

I got some great news today. My parents and Sister/BIL might come up for Christmas this year. It's been years since I've spent Christmas with my parents and both siblings. I always see one or the other, but it's rare that the whole crowd can convene. I'm deliriously happy just thinking about it. Now I'm just hoping for relatively mild weather. I'm more than willing to give up a white Christmas if it means a safe drive for them.

Today I'm thankful for modern travel and long walks through fallen leaves.

Monday

2011-11-14T21:35:00.000-07:00

Things are better today. I got to work almost on time (I really need to correct this), took C and the dog for a walk, and C did a great job with his work today. He was after a movie from the local rental place, so he was quite motivated. I love when he has a reward he's longing for. Finding rewards that motivate him and don't break my budget is one of my biggest challenges. Much like his daddy, he just naturally gravitates toward the most expensive thing in the place. A $1 movie rental though? Piece of cake.

I remembered to take my sleepy pills a couple of hours ago, and I think they're taking effect...

Today I'm thankful for nights when I get enough sleep, and silly TV series on dvd.

2011-11-13T15:48:00.002-07:00

It's not a good day. Can't say much more than that.

Today I'm thankful that each day lasts only 24 hours, and for a sweet little boy who gives me a reason to smile.

Inspiration

2011-11-12T19:06:00.000-07:00

Are you reading Nike's blog? If you're not, you should be. Not only does she have some of the cutest ideas out there, but her "Rock What Ya Got" approach is geared toward creating without spending lots of money on new supplies.

My approach to recreating inspiration projects usually goes like this: 1)Come across a cute project. 2) Hit the craft store for needed supplies. 3)Get the vapors at the craft store when my total shows up on the register. 4)Come home and complete project. 5)Grumble as I try to find room to store the inevitable leftovers from said project.

I managed to put together our fall mantle for a total of $3. $2 went for a candle holder and vase to make a second apothecary jar, and $1 went for come candy pumkins to fill it. Everything else came from shopping my own house for things I already had. I painted a gratitude tree on a blank canvas we had, and we're slowly filling it with leaves I cut with my Cricut. I've been writing something I'm grateful for on a leaf each day, and encouraging Q and C to do the same. Today I finished it off with a banner made from materials from my scrap booking and yarn stashes. While looking for the right color yarn, I discovered a full skein each of white and red. Now I just need to find a crochet pattern for a cute scarf.

Today I'm thankful for inspiration, in all its forms.

Quickie

2011-11-11T21:58:00.000-07:00

Today was the nicest day I've had in a while.

I woke up early and cleaned like a cleanin' fool for several hours. I gave my kitchen and bath the white-glove treatment, scrubbed my stove and oven until they gleamed, polished my doors and windows, purged every last bit of dirt from my tile floors, and removed the grime from my dining chairs.

At 1:00, I fixed some lunch. After we ate, Chico and I collapsed on the couch with a blanket still hot from the dryer and watched a 90 minute Veggie Tales dvd. I'm proud to say that I didn't do one other thing during the movie. I didn't get up 'for just a minute' for this or that chore. Chico was quite happy, and I must say I enjoyed it too.

After the movie, I couldn't resist breaking out the carpet steamer and giving my floors and the school room chairs a once over. Then I broke the news to Q that dinner tonight would be FFY (Fend for Yourself). I spent the afternoon polishing my nails, painting a canvas, and working on our Thanksgiving mantle. My Cricut's humming along now, cutting out a few things for a banner. I think I'll finish it tomorrow though.

Today I'm thankful for my creative outlets.

2011-11-10T22:32:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow's a federal holiday, so I get to stay home with Chico.

Right now I'm trying to decide between painting the school room, shampooing the carpets, or giving my kitchen the white glove treatment.

Do I know how to party, or what?

Whatever I decide on, I have to be done my noon-ish. Chico and I have a date for some couch-lounging and a new Veggie Tales dvd. I'd like to get a few more squares of his t-shirt quilt cut and fused too, but even that will be secondary to some fun time with the boy.

Q has a friend his age who has been fighting a congenital health condition for years. Two weeks ago the doctors told him he has less than a year left. His last day of work was today. Q has been understandably upset about it. You aren't supposed to bury your peers when your in your 40's. We've had some hard conversations in the last little while about what we'd do if one of us had to raise Chico on their own. I think it's time to draw up a will and put our home and accounts into a trust. We also need to set up a special needs trust for C. Tough stuff to think and talk about, but it would be far worse if we didn't.

Today I'm thankful for our health and family.

Good and Better

2011-11-09T22:50:00.000-07:00

Good Things

The sitter crisis appears to have been averted, for the short term at least.
We were able to help a family member out of a bind today.
I remembered to take my sleepy pill at 8:00, so I'm about ready to crash now.
Chico went to bed without a fight tonight.

Better Things

I've worked out every this week.
Friday is a holiday.
Chico has been an eager student lately.
My house is clean and the laundry's caught up.
Chico has realized the behavior/reward connection. He's currently working toward earning an Angry Birds game. The behavior we're encouraging? Going to bed sans tears and tantrums. It's only the second day, but we're two for two so far. I think we're going to peruse the ToysRUs catalog this weekend to find some more rewards.

Life Stuff

2011-11-08T20:58:00.000-07:00

Life is stressful these days.

I've been having sitter issues, which leads to me having work issues. I love my job, and having my performance called into question by circumstances outside of my control is heartbreaking.

I don't know what's going to happen. Having to leave my job is going to wreck us financially. We don't really have any alternatives for child care, as things pretty much dry up when your child reaches 'school' age. We could put him back in public school, but they treated him so badly before, I just can't trust them again. Besides, he tells me all the time that he loves home school... and he's thriving, so how can I take that away from him?

Sometimes I wonder why things with C have been so challenging. It seems that nothing is ever easy with this special little boy.

I make it work out; I always do.

Sometimes though, I wish the world wasn't always sitting on my shoulders.

Today I'm thankful for a place to vent, and bubble baths.

I Got Those First World Problems...

2011-11-07T18:40:00.000-07:00

It's only 6:00 and it's already dark outside. Dark. At Six. Foolish.

I finally got a new nail toy in the mail today, and what did I do on my way inside? Broke a nail. Poo.

I am currently in possession of six library books that are ten days overdue. The library's open 'til nine, which means I should load them in the car and return them. But I'm not going to. Because it's cold outside, and also dark. Guess I'll just keep 'em until the PoPo come looking for me. Or until tomorrow.

I need to go exercise. I need the endorphins, and also my clothes are feeling tight. Also, I would like to have some holiday photos that I don't hate this year.
I was planning to take some photos of us for our holiday card this weekend. Think I can lose 30 lbs by then?

Today I'm thankful for a husband who washes the dishes, and a boy who dances every time he hears music.

Day 6

2011-11-06T22:15:00.000-07:00

Too tired for a proper post. The time change is beating me up.

Also it's freezing and I crawled out of my cozy flannel sheets and braved the ~~frozen tundra,~~ err, cold tile floor to write this. After three unsuccessful attempts at writing from my Nook, that is.

Today I'm thankful for hot showers and cozy pajamas.

2011-11-05T23:13:00.000-06:00

Sometimes my life feels like an endless to-do list.

I get wrapped up the accomplishing things. I never met a list I didn't like, and the thrill of checking off a completed item is the closest my nerdy self has ever come to addiction.

I'm constantly reminding myself to take time to enjoy the people in my life. I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes I can treat them like they're the obstacles keeping me from accomplishing the next chore.

I need to work on enjoying the process more, and not being so impatient to get to the finish line.

That's what I'm thinking about tonight.

Today I'm thankful for an unplanned for errand that gave me three hours in the car and a leisurely one hour lunch with Q and Chico.

Last Friday Night

2011-11-04T21:09:00.001-06:00

Evidently I am old and decrepit. Two late nights this week have left me completely wiped out. We didn't even cook dinner or make it to church tonight, opting instead for delivered pizza and our jammies by 7:00. Q's been in bed for a couple of hours already. The only reason I haven't joined him is that Chico insisted on staying up until the unholy hour of 9 pm. Kids, man.

I did get the kitchen and bathroom scrubbed and a couple of loads of laundry done. Three things crossed off my list for tomorrow will make for a bit more relaxing weekend. Now I'm just watching Two and a Half Men and fulfilling my NaBloPoMo requirement. I've only seen a couple of episodes, but it's good for a giggle or two. I'm not a big Teevee fan... the only show I watch with any regularity is Glee. That may not last much longer though. I'm not at all happy with their introduction of the Aspie character. I don't know if they're making a statement about someone using the buzzwords of the day to excuse their own bad behavior or if they're really so clueless as to believe that this is an accurate portrayal of someone on the spectrum.

Ah... there goes the 9:00 alarm. Blissful sleep will soon be mine, just as soon as I wrestle the little man into bed.

'Night.

Today I'm thankful for: A clean house and fuzzy socks.

2011 Peek Award

2011-11-03T22:55:00.000-06:00

I attended the 2011 Peek Award ceremony honoring Dr. Temple Grandin tonight.

What a privilege it was to hear from Temple herself (those close to her say she prefers 'Temple' to 'Dr. Grandin'), her friend and photographer, as well as from Barry Morrow, writer of the Rain Man movie and friend of the late Kim Peek and his father Fran.

For a few hours, I heard people I respect and admire talk about the abilities and strengths of individuals on the Autism spectrum. For a short while, the focus was removed from their limitations, and we all laughed, cheered, and cried as one of our own received well-deserved recognition for her many accomplishments.

It was something I needed, and I'm so glad I got to go.

Long Day & Temple Grandin

2011-11-02T22:42:00.004-06:00

I'm putting up a post for the 30 days' sake, but I make no promises about coherency (possibly a made up word, I dunno, and I'm not looking it up).

After a 6 am wake up call and working all day, I found out that Temple Grandin was speaking at the USU Logan campus. We flew up there as fast as we could, but after being redirected from the filled-to-capacity parking terrace, we arrived ten minutes too late and weren't allowed in.

We sat with the other shmoes in the auditorium where an audio cast was being played and caught a bit of her talk. The (rude!) staff member working the door told us that Temple would make a second appearance at 6:00, so we decided to wait another hour and a half to catch that one.

We managed to snag front row seats for the second presentation by parking our butts there almost an hour early. Due to a huge crowd at her between session book signing, the 6pm session didn't begin until 6:35. By then, Chico had used up all of his sit-still-and-behave energies, and he started acting up almost as soon as she began to talk. Being that we were front row and about six feet away from her, I was worried about being a distraction. So C and I slunk out after about 15 minutes. I was so disappointed! All that waiting for nada! Oh well, at least Q got to hear her entire presentation, and that's what I really wanted. I get to see her in SLC tomorrow, and I will be blissfully a-l-o-n-e. No one whispering to me, pulling my hair, or trying to sniff my armpit* (don't even ask).

For years I felt like a bad mom if I even went to the store for ten minutes by myself. Evidently I'm over that now. I'm giddy at the thought of taking in an intellectual discussion with no distractions.

*I feel the need to defend Q's honor by clarifying that he is not the armpit sniffer.

Today I'm thankful for: A husband who goes on adventures with me.

NaBloPoMo 2012

2011-11-01T10:19:00.001-06:00

I'd forgotten about NaBloPoMo this year, until I saw it mentioned on Miss Zoot's site this morning.

I'm going to try again, since it seems like November is the only time my blog is active anymore.

We had a fun, low key Halloween. Chico had worn his costume every day last week and again on Saturday, so by yesterday he was over it. We don't take him trick or treating, so we stayed in, handed out candy, and watched It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!.

Today I've got an office to un-decorate, and then the same at home this afternoon. I wanted to put up a gratitude tree for the month of November, but since I'm the only one who will put anything on it, I think I'll just work some thankfulness into my posts.

Today I'm thankful for: Eye drops, sick leave, and forgiveness.

2011-09-21T12:10:00.000-06:00

Three weeks without a post?!? Just when my weekly blogging schedule was going so well, too. Ah well...

We're getting into the groove of Sonlight, at last. The first few weeks found me scrambling back and forth between the instructor guides, books, and supplementals, despite my religious Sunday evening reviews of the week to come. I guess I'd gotten spoiled by creating the curriculum and having the opportunity to memorize it as I was writing it.

Four weeks in, I can say that it's gotten much easier. I'm starting to see the weekly structure of the program more clearly, and I can anticipate better now that I've had a few weeks to see how it comes together.

Chico is doing well with out new materials. I've started him on grade level for reading, but one grade behind in math. We're doing 2-3 math lessons a day, so we should get him caught up to grade level by early Spring. At least that's what I'm hoping. I think I need a little more education in math theory myself. I have no problem performing math equations, but it's much harder for me to explain to another person how they work.

I'm on a 20-day exercise streak, thankyouverymuch. I'd lost a total of 8 pounds, but gained 5 of them back last week. I was hoping to be down 20 by our anniversary next month, but now I'm thinking 10-15 is going to be the best I can do. Even at that it's going to be a challenge.

Ultimately, my goal is to be down a total of 50+ pounds by the springtime. I'd like to take C to Disney for his birthday. We haven't been in four years, and I'm missing the beach. I'd like to have a little less self along for the ride this time.

We're working on the boy's fitness as well, but getting him to exercise means me taking him on a long walk several times a week. When I add up the time spent on school, keeping up with the house and meals, my own exercise, getting C out for some exercise, and working, there's just not a lot of computer time left.

I'm not complaining, though. I'm going to soak up every single ray of sun I can, before the long Utah winter makes it's (un)welcome return.

Overloaded

2011-08-29T12:41:00.001-06:00

I tend to be very goal oriented, and also very ummm... generous in terms of what I think I can accomplish on any given day.

I schedule myself down to the minute, and woe be unto the person who gets in the way of my to do list. I also tend to be grumpy because everyone else gets to have some down time in which to loll about sloth-like, except for me. I conveniently forget that this hyper busyness is all my own fault.

I'm trying very hard today to prayerfully examine my to do list, and figure out which things I can let go, or at least quit stressing over. So far I have decided that my highest priorities are to:

Focus on Chico's education
Rekindle my oft neglected relationship with Q
Maintain my own health by exercising and studying scripture every day
Continue to Menu Plan
Dedicate 1/2 Hour daily to home keeping / laundry maintenance

My biggest time waster is the internet. I used to have a time minder that I love, but alas, it was not made available to the newest version of Firefox. I need to find a new one.

Gearing up for a New School Year

2011-08-24T09:20:00.000-06:00

When I pulled in the drive yesterday, what did I spy but our two huge Sonlight boxes sitting on the porch. We sifted through them quickly, and can I just say, the Usborne books are gorgeous!

Later in the evening I pulled out the instructor guides and did some reading. It looks like a quite comprehensive layout, and I hope it works out well for Chico. I have up to half the year to test it out, and if it doesn't work for us, it can be returned, even with marked-up consumables. It looks like the only way to void the return policy is to mark, sticker, or damage the books in any way. Thankfully C is pretty careful with his books, so that shouldn't be a problem. Not that I'm planning to return it, but I'd like to keep the option open until we've had at least a few weeks to dive into it.

I've been eying Sonlight's curriculum since last year; actually I was aware of it for several years before I ever decided to home school, but I needed some time to observe Chico's learning style before I took the plunge. He's a good visual and auditory learner, so I think it will be a good fit. It's no where near the cheapest curriculum out there... I spent almost $600 on a Core, Horizons Math with Manipulatives, English, and Handwriting Without Tears. I didn't do any foreign language or electives. I already had a Spanish program we've been working on, and we're covering Science and Art with Lesson Pathways.

Tonight's plan is to make a stop by the office supply store for some binders, organize our stuff for the year, and clear off some shelves for our beautiful new books. I'm waiting on one backordered product before we can get started, so we'll keep working with our old curriculum for a little longer.

I can't wait to get started!

Cross Posting from Facebook

2011-08-20T22:50:00.001-06:00

Be Kind. If You Can't Be Kind, Be Quiet

It's easy to call someone's child a brat, or a parent a pushover. It's easier to give an eye roll, a dirty look, or some unasked for comment than it is to smile or give a word of encouragement.

If I can ask one thing of my Facebook friends, it's this: extend that Grace that you would want to receive. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you'd just know if someone's child struggles with a disability. You don't know. You can't. Smile, offer to help, or if all else fails, just keep silent. You may be put out by that child for a moment in a store, park, or place of business, but that parent is dealing with those behaviors 24/7 and doing their absolute best to manage them. We don't get a pass on the normal business of life, so we still have to go to the store, the post office, and the DMV. Sometimes we just want to go out for a meal or a movie. We don't usually have anyone to leave our children with, so we bring them along. People being rude to us and our kids doesn't make life any easier. For a long time I just didn't want to go out at all. Too many heartless comments made me want to stay away from everyone. Thankfully Chico's behaviors have changed a bit and it's easier to take him places now. They still show up though, and with them the ill-timed barbs from complete strangers.

If you know a child with Autism, Asperger's Syndrome, or PDD then think of that child the next time you get the urge to give yourself a little boost by judging some 'misbehaving', 'bratty' kid.

If you don't know a child with Autism, Asperger's, or PDD, then I hope you meet one soon. They're some of the coolest people you'll ever know, and they never judge anyone as harshly as the world judges them.

Things I Don't Understand

2011-08-15T14:26:00.000-06:00

I don't understand the allure of any of these things:

1. The hipster infatuation with bacon.
Bacon is overly salty, usually fatty, strips of pig. It's also stinky. So stinky, in fact, that I refuse to allow it to be cooked in my house. It makes me wonder if everyone is really that head over heels in love with it, or if they just claim to be 'cause they think the cool kids are.

2. Mani/Pedis.
If you know me, than you're wondering why I wrote that. I never leave the house with grungy toes or scrotty fingernails. Ah, yes, but I do them MYSELF. At home. With tools that I know are capital C Clean. I know lots of people love them, but I can never get past the whole stranger handling my hands and feet and using tools that they've used on other people. Honey, there ain't an Autoclave hot enough to make me feel comfortable with other people's toe cooties.

3. Running (Unless a bear is chasing you).
I work with a bunch of Runners. They talk Running all the time. If they're not talking about Training, then it's Gear, or Races, or Blisters, or (heaven forefend), they're trying to recruit me. I keep trying to tell them, that I was a Runner once. I ran 3 miles a day for seven years, and I hated every single step. When I run, things jiggle and bounce, and it makes me self conscious. Then I get home, and I have shin splints and sweat in Places. No thank you. I'll stick to step aerobics and lifting weights.

4. Using Your Spouse as a Punchline.
I'm sure men do this too, but I'm only privy to the female perspective. I know several women who, in every conversation you have with them, complain about how lazy/messy/spendthrift/unhelpful/grumpy/disconnected their husbands are. Even if the conversation didn't start off being about horrible husbands, somehow it always ends up there. The strange thing? It's not normally delivered in a sad or even angry way. It's more like "Ha ha, let's joke about whose husband is the worst!" Aren't you supposed to be admiring and proud of the person you married? Did I miss something in Marriage 101?

How We Solved the Tooth Fairy Dilema

2011-08-08T13:05:00.001-06:00

Any time the Tooth Fairy discussion comes up, it seems like the chief difficulty parents have is removing the tooth and dropping the cash without waking a sleeping child. Given that C's sleep is capital S sacred in our house, waking him would simply not do.

So in our house, we don't mess with the under the pillow thing. We have a Tooth Fairy box, where Chico can leave his tooth. In the morning, he finds in its place a special note and some gold $1 coins.

In the interest of full disclosure, I have to confess that we've modified the story of the Tooth Fairy. I have a 'thing' about lying to Chico, even the type that are fun... like Santa, the Tooth Fairy, etc.. Instead of presenting these things as literal truths, I tell him that they are a fun thing to pretend. He knows that Mom and Dad buy presents and are the real keepers of the gold coins, but he agrees that it's pretty fun to leave an old tooth in a box and have some money to spend the next day.

Slow Down Summer

2011-08-05T12:26:00.000-06:00

How can it be August already? I love the land of Zion, but our summers are entirely too short. It seems like the snow just melted, and before I know it we'll be shoveling that mess all over again.

We've had a good summer. Q has had a couple of surgeries, so we've had to take things slowly here and there, but that's a good thing. I live Mr. Q. more than life itself, but the man can drive me crazy with his insistence that we always be GOING! SOMEWHERE! or DOING! SOMETHING!. And yes, it's exactly like that, all caps and too many exclamation points.

Here's the thing. Q doesn't enjoy reading and he's not a big hobbyist. His idea of fun always includes crowded places, noisy people, or the outdoors. I, on the other hand, am a bookworm. My other favorite pursuits include sewing, scrapbooking, painting, writing, organizing, etc. See a pattern in those? They are all things best done 1)at home, 2)semi solitar-ily, and 3)with an emphasis on peace and quiet.

Needless to say, his inability to run around like a rabid Chihuahua has greatly enhanced my summer experience.

Now, we have taken several fun excursions, a trip to New Mexico to visit family, and a handful of day trips that are within a couple of hours from home. More than any other summer though, we've just enjoyed our family time at home. We barbecue, sip tea as we watch the sun set on the patio, blow bubbles, weed the garden, play basketball in the driveway, or just chat and laugh at the fun things that Chico says and does.

I have a few more things that I'd like to do before autumn comes:

Make a pilgrimage to IKEA without a time limit.
Take Chico to the North Shore.
Have a picnic at the lake or in the woods.
Visit the splash pad a time or two (preferably for a meet-up with family).
Dress my two cutie pies up for a photo shoot.
Take a family photo.
Teach Chico to ride his bike.
Finish up Chico's bedroom redo.

So what are you doing for fun this summer?

Curriculum Shopping

2011-08-01T12:00:00.000-06:00

We're wrapping up one school year and getting ready for the next. We school year-round at our house; I've found it works better for retention and it takes the pressure off of each individual day if you know that you have two hundred and sixty of them in which to accomplish your goals.

We've used an eclectic mix of curricula for the last couple of years, but I think we're going to go all inclusive this year with a Sonlight core and some extras. I spend at least two hours every Sunday plus about three more throughout the week on curriculum building. This includes putting lesson plans together, researching age and development approrpriate presentation methods, tracking down hands-on ideas, gathering books and materials, and so on. I'm hoping this new approach will free that time up. Working full-time outside of the home means that my time is already stretched, and I want to devote the time that I do have into teaching, rather than the mechanics of planning. The best part is that we are free to try it out and return the materials (even partially-used consumables) if it doesn't work out for us.

Chico is making progress, but his delays mean that we're going to start with a lower grade level Core than his age would dictate. I'm hoping to 'have to' shell out for a whole new program mid-year, if he progress that fast.

I'm a little stressed about the cost and my own self-induced pressure to make it worth the money spent, but their generous return policy is helping with that. Now I've just got to make room on our over-crowded bookshelves for all the gorgeous hardbacks that are included with the Core.

What a glorious problem to have ;)!

Time Management

2011-07-27T10:21:00.006-06:00

I'm giving myself fifteen minutes to write this post. I apologize in advance for the typos I'm bound to leave in my wake.

We had a guest speaker at church a few weeks ago, who gave a message that really struck a chord with me. He said,

"We have time for what we choose to have time for."

I'm sure I've heard this before, but this time, I really started to think about those things I say I'd do if I only had the time.

I'd exercise every day
I'd lose 50+ pounds (see above)
I'd complete a bible study course
I'd spend more time playing with Chico (without watching the clock)
I'd keep my blog updated

Now, I'm a pretty good time manager. I work full time, homeschool C, my house is (almost) never messy, and certainly never dirty. The laundry doesn't pile up, 95% of our meals are home-cooked and from scratch. I read every day, and we have a family fun day at least once a week.

But

I don't exercise every day. I'm 40 pounds heavier today than I was 6 weeks postpartum with Chico. I only read my bible sporadically. I play with Chico every day, but I'm often watching the clock while I do it. Q and I never go to bed at the same time. And the blog? Well, we all know about that one.

So... time. Where is it going, and how to I get just a liiiitle bit more to fit in those things I mentioned?

My one big (and I do mean BIG) time waster is mindlessly surfing the web. I spend time reading who did what on Facebook, then open my Google reader and someone's blog will have something really cool that I either need to save on Pinterest, or buy at Amazon, or download on iTunes... and before I know it have blown through a cool two hours or more.

This is a problem for two reasons. Reason #1, that time would be much better spent accomplishing my goals. Reason #2, that time is no doubt contributing to my weight down in the wrong direction, as in up instead of down.

Now that I know where my time's going, I need to figure out how to manage it better. So I've dusted off my home management binder, revamped my daily task lists, and scheduled in exercise and what I'm calling my Hour 4 Me. I don't want to give up Facebooking, and blog reading, and mining the web for good ideas of all sorts. I just want to put those things in their rightful place as a fun distraction but not the main focus of my life after work. I can still do those things, but for five hours a week instead of 10+. Right now, my goal is to make Sundays computer-free (except for my hour of school planning), but we'll see.

It's taken me 14.5 minutes to write this, further evidence that I do have time to blog if I'll only use it.

Now, I just need a good Women's bible study. Any suggestions?

2011-07-01T12:10:00.000-06:00

I’m standing in the kitchen, fixing my coffee to go, when he walks in.

His hair’s whirled up into an architectural sculpture, his eyes are still puffy and not quite ready to focus. He smiles that infectious smile, and I see that the baby gaps in his teeth are just a little smaller than they were yesterday.

“Good morning, mom,” he whispers. His voice has two volumes; whisper and LOUD. He mostly uses LOUD. The Whisper only comes out early in the morning, and when he’s asking for something he’s not sure I’ll want him to have. I love the Whisper.

“Good morning”, I answer and cross to where he’s curled up on one of the kitchen chairs. I sit next to him and kiss the fuzzy spot between his brows before I ask, “Did you have a good rest?” It’s our morning ritual, and I miss it on the days he sleeps in until after I’ve left for work.

He nods, and yawns, and for a second I can see him on our first night together, both of us yawning and stretching as the sun rose.

He scoots his chair a little closer to mine, and I wrap him in my arms and lean my cheek against his crazy hair. This stillness is a gift. In a little while, his eyes will brighten to their normal blue sparkle. He’ll fire up his favorite video and begin a pace of movement and energy that won’t slow down until he falls asleep again tonight.

For now though, he’s content to slump into my shoulder, curling his back a little as I scratch my nails across it. He smells like Baby Bee lotion, coconut mango shampoo, and sunshine.

This is my favorite part of the day.

The Things I Want to Say

2011-06-27T12:36:00.002-06:00

At least once a day, I have an idea for a blog post. Then life steps in and I don't have the time to write it. Lately when I do get a moment to blog, the words that had previously danced so eloquently in my head escape me entirely.

So a bulleted list for now, and perhaps an expansion later. If nothing else, it will provide me some jumping points for our family blog.

Waking up early really does set a better tone for the day.
Major surgery is hard. The recovery period is tough on the whole family. Enjoy your ability to walk, bend, and kneel with impunity. For some people, it's hard work, or completely impossible.
Autism is not easy. There is work to be done every day. But there is joy... so, so very much joy. I wish more people knew that.
~~I am considering re-considering sending Chico off to school.~~ Ack, I just can't write this one now. I love home school, and so does he. We just have to figure out some social opportunities for him.
I really, really wish I'd finished my college degree. My plan was to be a Special Ed. teacher for a few years, then go back for a law degree and work in... what else? Special Education Reform. I think I shall be one of those Seniors who finishes up law school as an octogenarian.
I enter the second half of my thirties next month. I don't care about aging; I'm the happiest I've ever been. My only lament is that it took me so long to stop caring about what other people might think.

Note to Self

2011-06-14T06:57:00.002-06:00

5:30 a.m. is the sweet spot. If you can commit to being out of bed at 5:30 every day, you'll be done with your own pretty-fying by 7:00. That leaves you plenty of time to get Chico up and out the door, IF you have prepped bags and coffee the night before.

This might just be the end of harried and crap-we're-late-Again mornings.

Remember this, and shut off the laptop and get thy bum to bed by 10:00 tonight.

That is all.

Faire

2011-05-15T09:36:00.002-06:00

We took Chico to the Renaissance Faire yesterday. It was so much fun! We'd never been to one, and it did not disappoint. There were knights in armor, ladies in gowns, belly-dancing gypsies, kinds and queens with their courts. We saw musicians, flame swallowers, marauding pirates, and fairies. We watched a joust, a knight's test, and a pistol battle.

Chico was a little wary of the jousting ring at first. He's afraid of flies, and since there were horses in the ring, there were flies in the ring as well. Once the knights came out though, he was too intent on watching them to notice the flies. They did a really good job of staying mostly in character, and the horses they rode were just beautiful. Some members of the crowd were just as entertaining as the performers. It would definitely be a fun place to visit in costume next year.

We went out for dinner afterward, and then home for a movie and dessert.

I just love days spent making memories with my cute boys.

Weekend

2011-05-14T12:21:00.003-06:00

Ah, it's finally Saturday! I swear this weekend was approximately 387 days long.

We had a week full of doctor appointments for Q and Chico both. I always credit them with my good health; there's no way I can get sick, 'else who would take care of these two?

Q is recuperating at an astounding pace. He's walking sans crutches, and getting around really well. He's been cleared to drive, so this morning he's heading out on his own to do a couple of errands. He's not pain free yet, but it gets better every day, he says. I wish he would have received better (or any!) medical care as a child. It likely would have saved him from what he's going through right now. Makes me more grateful than ever that we are in a position to get proper medical care for Chico.

I didn't exercise as much as I should have, or eat as well as I should have this week, netting me a number on the scale that was Not Good. Oh well, I'll do better this week (she says as she removes a pan of brownies from the oven). Good thing I'm not a big fan of chocolate; the brownies I made this morning won't be much of a temptation. My thing is salty chippies and the like. I need to not put them in my cart when I go shopping later. I've been dealing with the stress of the last few weeks with salty carbs. Our house has been a chip-free zone for months, and all of a sudden we've purchased four bags in the last three weeks.

I've started cutting shirts for Chico's quilt. I have 30 shirts washed and ready to cut. I'm hoping that'll be enough, as I really would like to avoid searching through the attic for more shirts. This is my first attempt at making a quilt, so it's going to be super-dee-duper simple. I think it will be a nice keepsake, though.

Q just left for a haircut, and I'm sitting here unshowered, sipping the last cold dregs of coffee from my favorite cup. I guess this would be as good a time as any to work out, so here I go.

Busy Saturday

2011-05-07T10:58:00.002-06:00

I'm enjoying my cup of coffee and waiting for my nails to dry before I get started on my to-do list for today.

One the list? Dusting, vacuuming, laundry, cleaning out the fridge, and grocery shopping.

My optional list includes wiping down walls, shampooing the carpets, taking down wall art and prepping C's room for paint.

I've always known that chores are split pretty evenly around out house, but having Q out of commission the last couple of weeks has really driven that point home.

Thankfully, he's recovering really well. Hopefully he'll be back in fighting form soon; having to take it easy is driving him bananas.

It's so nice out today, I think I may try to squeeze in a little garden prep work and a walk with Chico if I can.

2011-05-06T17:54:00.002-06:00

I don't come here often anymore. The landscape of blogging has changed so much, and I don't know if I really have anything to add anymore. So many of my favorite blogs have gone quiet and dormant. People have moved on to the greener pastures of Facebook and Twitter.

I'm trying to decide if I should just remove some of my self-imposed limits and blog more freely here, or whether it's time to board this old place up and move on.

I've 'met' so many nice people through this blog, and I do enjoy having a place to just empty the old brain box from time to time.

I don't even know how many visitors I have anymore. I disabled my sitemeter more than a year ago, and I never have been able to track visits by the number of comments left.

Anyhow, that's what's on my mind today.

2011-04-22T15:09:00.002-06:00

Good Friday already?

We're looking forward to church tonight, and I think we'll do some kind of Easter craft or activity with C tomorrow. The weather forecast calls for rainstorms all weekend, so I don't think we'll be doing an egg hunt.

I have a bunch of stuff for Chico's basket though, so perhaps we'll put together a treasure hunt or something like that for him instead.

We have a lot to pack in to this weekend. We have Easter to celebrate, I'm still working on birthday stuff, and Q wants to get in some fun activities before his knee surgery on Tuesday. He's going to have a couple of months worth of recovery ahead of him, but hopefully he'll be back to fighting condition by the time the summer begins.

He's worried about how I'm going to keep up with everything while he's down and out, but I'm not. Not much, anyway. I'll just do my best, and as long as everyone's fed, C's schoolwork is being done, and Q is recovering, the rest will keep. Our house may be a bit dusty, or the grass may go a day or two past the regular mowing schedule, but I'll get it done in time. As long as Q's all right, I won't worry about the rest.

2011-04-15T22:01:00.002-06:00

Some days, some weeks, some hours, are hard.

On the hard days, it feels like I'm staring up from the bottom of a well, as my son looks at me with his wide blue eyes. The walls are smooth, and I have no idea how I'm going to pull the both of us up into the daylight.

It makes me sad, and angry. I wonder why he faces so many struggles; how is it fair for one child to endure these challenges? He's done nothing but bring joy to everyone who is lucky enough to be touched by his light. Doesn't he deserve a little of the same?

In the midst of these hard days, still there is joy. In the huge, wonderful ordinariness of a child singing a favorite song, in the lines of color laid down from a box of 48 crayons, in the smells of lavender bubble bath and Baby Bee Lotion, we find our balance again.

I believe that someday Chico will lead his own life, separate from us. On the best days I allow myself to dream of my son, nervous in a tuxedo at the altar of a church, and later, cradling his own beloved children. I dream of college, and a career, and a house that his dad will show him how to maintain. I dream...

The battle will be there tomorrow. For this moment, there is so much to be thankful for.

2011-04-05T08:57:00.004-06:00

Still no luck with any local therapies for my boy.

But...

I did get a line on a parent support group meeting next week. It's the first session, and they've invited a doctor to speak.

Q's having the first of three surgeries later this month, and I'm trying to plan C's birthday party while fretting about budgets and the cost of therapies that we may or may not find, and the fact that Q will be forgoing a paycheck for 6-12 weeks this summer. I will count us blessed if we have any savings left by September.

Our insurance covers one appointment for diagnosis of Autism, provided that the child has never been previously diagnosed. I don't know if the school's diagnosis will prevent us from accessing even this one appointment, but we're going to try.

I never know how to end these things...

2011-03-30T12:12:00.002-06:00

I've spent the last two days glued to the phone, trying to access services for Chico.

My list of wants is not excessive, at least not to me. I'd love to find him a social skills group, and feeding therapy. We work on social skills at home and out in the community, but my fondest dream would be to find him a group of kids to play with / around / in the proximity of, where we wouldn't have to worry about judgment. I offer him a variety of foods daily, praising and encouraging when he deigns to touch or taste something that's not one of his handful of regular foods. We work, and work, and work some more. I read late into the night, mining books and blogs for any suggestion, any nugget of information that we're not already trying.

I was hoping to find a place with therapists, and kids, and some new ideas, or maybe just some encouragement that we're doing okay.

So far, I've got nothing.

Everyone I've talked to has directed me to either

a) the public school system.
b) the kids hospital an hour away.

We don't live in a tiny town. We live in a moderately sized city, population around 80,000. We have two hospitals, each with a behaviorial health department. We also have a public Human Services department, which provides autism services to preschoolers only.

The gist I am getting is that if your kid is under four or over eighteen, there's access to services. From five to seventeen, you're on your own. Everyone I've spoken to has been kind and wished me luck. No one has been able to offer anything other than their condolences for the lack of services.

I'll figure something out; I always do.

But right now, I'm just discouraged.

Facebook Conundrum

2011-03-22T15:26:00.002-06:00

Many of my favorite bloggers have abandoned their blogs in favor of Facebook.

I've lost track of most of them because I only 'friend' people I know personally. On the off chance that I might someday post photos of Chico there, I've kept it strictly family with a handful of lifelong friends.

What do you think about social media? Have blogs gone the way of the dinosaur? Do twitter and facebook mean the death of the personal journal? Would you rather read a few paragraphs on a blog daily / occasionally, or do you prefer your updates in 140 character bursts several times a day?

Tightrope

2011-03-02T13:21:00.004-07:00

I suffer greatly from Want it All Syndrome.

Not in terms of material goods. I don't care about that. If you'd told the teenage me that one day I would loathe shopping with the heat of a thousand suns, I'd have said you went and lost all your good sense. But I do. Hate shopping, that is. Unless it's for cute clothes for Chico or craft supplies. Oh, and party stuff. I love a good party planning spree.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. Want it All Syndrome. Mine comes in the form of wanting to do all things creative and crafty. It usually begins with blog surfing. Doesn't it always start with Blog Surfing?

Blogs like the Crafty Chica, Life as Lou, How Does She, Tater Tots & Jello, and the Motherload's Weekly Notebook provide me with inspiration for more projects than I could ever hope to complete. Warning: The Blue Eyed Mexican assumes no responsibility if you click those links and never find your way out again.

On one hand, it's a huge blessing. I have created home items for my home and as gifts in the past year than in the five years before than combined. I'm proud of the things I've made and the creativity I've been able to explore.

On the other hand, I spent money for supplies for projects I never got around to. My school / craft closet is filled to bursting. I've spent time crafting that I maybe should have spent with my family. I've used constant busy-ness as a convenient way to retreat from my marriage instead of talking things out.

I don't have plans to give up creating. It gives me an outlet and genuinely makes me happy. I do, however, need to practice a little more discipline in what I take on. I need to work on busting my stash of supplies before purchasing any more, and I have to remember that I'm a mom and wife who works full time, home schools, cooks dinner from scratch every night, and {never lets the sun set on a messy house or a full laundry hamper*}. I can't do it all, at least not well. I need to find balance. I find myself saying that in so many areas of my life. I hope 2011 will be The Year I Finally Do.

*Lest you think I'm a shameless braggart for saying that, I assure you it's one of the traits I'm the least proud of. I'd love to loosen up enough to leave a glass in the sink and a pair of socks in the dryer without hyperventilating.

Deliberate

2011-02-28T20:04:00.005-07:00

I feel like so much of my life has just happened to me. I look around sometimes and see very little that I actually chose. Maybe that's the problem.

I'm having an existential / mid-life / faith / crisis, it seems. I'm wondering where I belong in the world, and who I want there with me when I finally find my place.

I'm weighing words and disappointments, vows and recriminations, and it occurs to me I don't have a single soul in the world I can share it with. No one besides the inter webs. Before you ask, no I can't talk to him. Or her. Nope, not her either. Nor him.

This is the way of my life. I smile pretty and say everything's okay even when it isn't. I keep my hands and mind busy so I don't have to feel too much.

I love my son though, and he loves me. Being his mom is the one constant blessing in my life, and the one thing I am consistently proud of. So there's that.

Six Years Ago

2011-02-27T17:37:00.002-07:00

Six years ago today I lost a child.

I wonder why she left so soon; why I wasn't found worthy to mother one so wanted.

Six years ago I lost a dream.

No one, not even Q, remembers.

Even when I wish I could, I can never forget.

I Dare You Not to Care

2011-01-19T13:02:00.003-07:00

I spend way too much time worrying about what other people might think.

I start blog posts almost daily, but 99% of them end up being trashed. I avoid posting them because my grammar's not perfect, or my voice isn't strong enough, or I don't feel 'qualified' (whatever that means) to speak on a certain subject. I worry about offending someone with my words. So I close the window and don't post at all.

I shush Chico in public sometimes, especially when his echolalia takes over. I worry that he's too loud and disturbing other people, or that someone will think he's odd and make a rude comment. So I ask him to stop, or whisper, and show him that he has to hide a part of himself to appease others.

I stop singing when Q gets home. Chico and I sing all day when we're alone. Choir and vocal performances were a very happy part of my youth, and I love to sing. But I worry about losing my key or sounding bad when Q's around, so I stop singing and put on the radio instead.

I almost never tell my parents how hard things are. If I do, I quickly follow it up with a big ol' 'But'. "Chico had a hard time with school this week and screamed and hit me every day, BUT I'm sure it'll pass soon." I never tell them I'm sad. I never tell them I feel like I'm bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders. I never tell them that I'm terrified that I'm failing. I worry about burdening them with my problems, so I say everything's fine instead.

I don't give Q my opinion often enough. From the simplest of things, like "Where would you like to eat?", my automatic answer is always, "Oh, whatever you like is fine." I'm so worried he'll think something I like is dumb, or unacceptable in some way. So I defer to his opinion on almost everything, and then I feel like he doesn't know me at all.

I avoid friendships. I envy people who meet through their blogs, or parenting communities. I turn green whenever my social-butterfly sister mentions one of her 'girls nights'. The scars from the bullying I endured in school have left me unwilling to open myself up to any friendships, especially with other women. So I tell myself I'd rather just hang out with Q and C, or read a book alone.

I'm going to try hard, for the next seven days, not to care. I'm going to post what I write, even if it means I scandalize someone with a word or two. I'm going to let Chico echo to his little hearts content, and not worry what people think of him, or us. I'm going to sing him to sleep every night, and not wait until Q takes his leave and goes to bed. I'm going to be honest about my struggles. And when Mr. Q. takes me out to lunch on Saturday, I'm going to pick a place and not worry about whether he'll think it's weird.

For just one week, I'm not going to be stifled by caring what other people might think of me. If you care too much like I do, I dare you to do the same.

Shame

2011-01-13T21:24:00.003-07:00

I wonder why we carry shame.

We wrap it around us like a shield, or a shroud; we use it to keep others out, and ourselves tightly fenced in.

We let it steal our light, and excuse the behavior of those who don't love us as they should. Shame keeps us from demanding our due, as daughters, as wives, as lovers, as human beings. We never ask the hard questions, because shame makes us too afraid of the answers.

Worse still, the shame we carry isn't even our own. It was given to us, strapped on our backs in exchange for the innocence that was stolen from our souls.

I've carried this burden for more than 30 years.

Piece by piece, I'm putting it down.

It's not mine to carry.

It never was.

How We Spent the Last Day of 2010

2011-01-01T01:39:00.004-07:00

The last day of 2010 was a busy one.

We slept in a bit, then I cleaned the house while Q ran errands. My hour-long pick and up dusting session turned into three hours of the above plus glass polishing, closet rearranging, and drawer organizing. In the time it took me to finish up, Q had run errands twice and left to visit his great aunt at the nursing home and take his mom out for lunch.

Finally at about 2:00, Chico and I were slicked and shined up and ready to hit the town. Then plan was to return some items at Tar-jhay, get lunch, and then see a movie. We did our returns, then picked up a few rolls of gift wrap, a tree skirt, and some wired garland for 75% off from their post-Christmas selections.

Q met up with us to hand off the car cord for C's DVD player, and then we were off to lunch. As we drove to the restaurant, I thought to call Movie Fone to confirm our show time. It turned out that I had the wrong time in my head, and our movie was due to start in fifteen minutes instead of almost an hour. Lunch ended up being drive-through McD's eaten in the car on the way to the movies. Well, I had mine in the car. C brought the rest of his in to finish while we watched Yogi Bear in 3D.

C enjoyed the movie, and he actually kept his glasses on this time. We haven't taken him to any 3D movies in almost a year, because we tried it in late 2009 and he just refused to wear the glasses. They were only showing Yogi in 3D at our theater, so I decided to try again. C was quite impressed with the movie. In one scene, Yogi sprays water out of his mouth, and C actually ducked to the side as it came 'toward' us. That was pretty funny.

We left the theater in good spirits; I was very pleased with Chico's great behavior at the movies. Q called, and I happily chatted with him for a few minutes. I needed to run to the store before church, so I told Q I'd call him when I got home.

As I reached over to put my cell phone on the seat next to me, I realized I had left my wallet in my seat at the movies. I frantically called Q, who was only a couple of minutes from the theater, and asked if he'd go check with the lost and found for me. I turned my car around and headed back to the theater.

C and I hustled across the parking lot and got inside just as Q was speaking to someone at guest services. I walked up just in time to hear the young man working there tell Q that no wallet had been returned. I asked if I could go back in and check my seat, and he said yes.

We dashed to the screening room and up to the top tier of seats where Chico and I had been not fifteen minutes earlier. I felt around the seat I'd been in, and Q crouched down to look under the row of seats, using his cell phone as a flashlight.

Nothing.

My heart sank. My wallet had contained cash, my driver's license, my debit card (which was just replaced last week due to some fraud being attempted from another state), my credit cards, and some gift cards I'd received for Christmas. Worst of all was that I had a store credit slip of Chico's, worth almost $200, in my wallet was well. We checked with the desk again before we left, hoping that perhaps the cleaning staff had just not had a chance to turn it in yet. I drove home sniffling and making a mental list of all of the items I'd need to cancel and replace on Monday.

When something like this happens, I take immediate action. As soon as I walked through the door, I picked up the phone and called the bank. Just as we were getting finished with canceling my debit card, my call waiting buzzed.

I answered it, hoping it was someone calling to say they'd found my wallet. At that point I'd accepted that my cash and the gift cards were a loss. I was just hoping to not have to replace my driver's license and know that personal information was not in anyone else's hands.

The called said his wife had found my wallet at the movie theater. He said he'd left a note on my door, but since I parked and came in through the garage, we hadn't seen anything when we got home. He gave me his address and we headed over to pick it up.

I wasn't sure what would still be in it when I picked it up. I was sure that they'd probably found it in the hallway or bathroom where it had been dumped after someone had taken what they wanted from it. To my surprise, everything was there. It turned out they'd been sitting a few seats away from C and me, and they found it when the lights came up, still sitting in my seat. I thanked him again, offered him a small reward, which he refused, and we left, feeling grateful for honest people.

We went to church, listened to a great sermon, and I put all the cash in my wallet in the tithing box. The cash was easy enough to part with. I was just happy to have C's store card and all of my own cards back.

After church, we picked up a half dozen pizzas and headed to Q's sister's place. We visited with everyone there until 11:00, and then came home to ring in the new year. We put C to bed just after midnight, had one more kiss for good luck, and then Q headed off to sleep as well.

Which is where I'll be going, as soon as I hit 'Publish.'

What a day! Happy 2011. May it bring happiness, health, and blessings for us all.

Christmas 2010

2010-12-26T22:41:00.003-07:00

We had a nice Christmas. As usual, C got too many toys. He played with each for ten minutes or so before getting bored and leaving them to the side. He had been begging for the Imaginext Batcave for the last several months. He has left the store in angry tears more than once because he wanted to take it home. We bought it and wrapped up, anticipating his joy when he finally ripped open the paper on Christmas Eve. When he opened it, he jumped up and down, and clapped his hands. "Oh, I love this!" he sighed gleefully. He eagerly ran for my tool kit so I could help him free the toy from its packaging. I handed it over and... yep, you guessed it. Ten Stinkin' Minutes, and the toy was cast aside. Oh well.

He also got 4 new DVD's, PJ pants, two DS games, a Glow Dome, two pop-up books (these have been played with more than any of the toys), a Thomas the Train play set, a set of Melissa and Doug music instruments, a hoodie, shirts, a Toy Story Robot Hotwheels toy, Pixos, and a stocking full of assorted toys and treats. Like I said, too much.

I gave Q two HD mechanic shirts, three CDs, and a 2011 calendar (the last one's kind of a tradition). I also loaded up his stocking with chapsticks, gum, and chocolates.

Q and C gave me a Nook, which I have yet to open. I was not expecting a pricey gift, and I'm debating whether owning a Reader makes me a Modern Chick or a Pretentious Tool. I normally have no issues with electronics or extravagance, so I don't know what my problem is. Thoughts?

We made the rounds on Christmas Eve, and hosted a Christmas day dinner at our house. It was a long and busy day, but quite fun. We were blessed to have my MIL come up for the holiday. She'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'm sure we're going to enjoy every minute.

I also received a face full of spots for Christmas. Since I have not had a breakout in almost twenty years, you can imagine my excitement at having a forehead that looks like it belongs to a thirteen year old. A sweaty one. Woot for Perimenopause!

On that happy note, it's time to go wash my grease face and hit the sack. Vacation's over, and I have to work in the morning.

Christmas Tree - Real or Fake?

2010-12-15T09:38:00.019-07:00

The contest going on over at PW's has got me thinking...

When it comes to Christmas trees, this is how things go at La Casa Azul:

Cycle 1: We must have a R-E-A-L tree! The Color! The Smell! There's no comparison! We speeeet on artificial trees!

Then, we lug the (nearly always too big) tree home, saw off the end, spend 3 hours adjusting the stand to make it straight, spend 1 hour cleaning needles from our truck bed, driveway, porch, entry, and living room, spend 2 hours decorating, and then sit back and admire our tree.

Inevitably, the watering turns into an "I thought you did it!" situation, and the tree turns into a gigantic fire hazard. Good thing our fire extinguisher is red and blends in well with our other Christmas decor.

By Christmas Day, we are anxious to get the tremendous, dry, brown eyesore out of our house, but we hold off until first thing in the morning on the 26th.

We spend 2 hours tugging decorations and light strings from the petrified branches.Removing the tree always involves spilling tree-sap water on the carpet, since someone always thinks that dumping a gallon of water into the stand will revive the dead thing, and spraying an arc of needles throughout our living room as we wrestle it out the door.

We take our once-lovely tree to the green waste site, and then come home and spend 2 hours cleaning needles from our truck, driveway, porch, entry, and living room. Then we notice the sap-water spill and haul out the steam cleaner.

And the next year...

Cycle 2: Remember that real tree mess from last year? Yeah, we're so not doing that again.

We break out the perfectly-sized, pre-lit tree, fluff and few branches, and spend 2 hours hanging decorations, reminiscing about Christmases past and taking photos. Then we sit back and admire our tree.

On the 26th, we decide it looks so lovely that we're going to leave it up for a few more days. A few days later, we spend an hour or so removing, wrapping, and re-boxing decorations. The tree limbs fold up, we box up the tree and we're all done.

And sure enough the next year, there we are, red-nosed and shivering in the tree lot, trying to decide which tree to take home so we can begin the cycle all over again.

Balance

2010-12-02T21:26:00.004-07:00

It's my office's busy season, and I'm working 40 hours a week for the next little while. I am so wiped out! I don't know how I managed working full time (40+ hours a week) for fourteen years. It is definitely a balancing act trying to work and home school, but it can be done. Our school work gets highest priority every day. It helps that we have a dedicated school room, so we can settle in to do our work without distractions. Once school is done, then we can fix dinner, do chores, etc.

I took Chico to the store this afternoon, to pick out a tree for the school room. We open each school day with a prayer and bible reading (takes me back to my Christian Academy days!), so for the month of December, we're doing a Jesse Tree. We read the day's devotion, and then C gets to hang the corresponding ornament. Anyhow, while we were at the store, C surprised me by reading some of the ornaments on display. I didn't know he could do that! He was pretty pleased with himself when he saw how excited I was. I adore reading, and it thrills me to no end to think of introducing all my favorite books to him.

We're reading Shel Silverstein's 'Runny Babbit: a Billy Sook' right now. It's quite the tongue twister for reading aloud. We both got a case of the giggles as I struggled to get through it tonight. I have Jen Lancaster's 'My Fair Lazy', and I plan to pick it up when I'm done posting. I'd better get started early; last night I was up reading 'til midnight. I love reading in the dark quiet hours, but it makes for a very tired and groggy morning.

Drat

2010-11-28T22:25:00.001-07:00

I opened up my laptop to post last night, and fell asleep in front of it.

NaBloPoMo FAIL.

Tonight is shaping up the same, a sure sign that I need to prioritize sleep over web surfing.

'Night...

The 500th Post

2010-11-26T23:28:00.002-07:00

I've finally reached 500 posts, and I'm going to phone it in.

I'll be back tomorrow, with a wordy 501st post about what blogging has meant to me.

Tonight however, I'm wiped out from a day spent shopping and decorating, and I still have 2 photo collages and holiday cards to complete and order before my shopping codes expire.

This is a recording...

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T23:35:00.000-07:00

For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

'Twas the Night Before Thanksgiving

2010-11-24T23:41:00.002-07:00

It's the night before Thanksgiving, and I'm not running laps around the kitchen,
making dinner preparations while I scrub and polish every surface of my house. I haven't spent the last week planning centerpieces, counting China, or compulsively re-checking my pantry contents.

I don't have a half dozen pies cooling on the counter, I don't have pans of rolls
proofing in the fridge. My sink is empty, my stovetop is clear. I'm blogging and
wondering if I should start a fresh manicure or just go to bed.

Thanksgiving dinner usually takes place at our house. This year, everyone on our guest list had other plans. We are going to my niece's tomorrow, but we're only bringing one dessert and a big batch of red chile (no, not chili!). I can knock those out in a couple of hours in the morning.

I keep looking at my kitchen, feeling like I should be in there.

I guess I'll just enjoy the break and make up for it on Christmas Eve.

What are your holiday plans?

My Morning in Acrostic

2010-11-23T23:41:00.003-07:00

Today I woke up early
O' Dark thirty
On the Clock

Threw myself into the shower
In a flash I was all done
Radiohead perked me up some
Enya provided a zen spot to balance things out
Danced my way into the kitchen for a cuppa Hazelnut Joe

Took ten minutes to tame my mop o' curls
Only half that to make up my face

Put my clothes and jewelry on
One spritz of Juicy and I was nearly done
Steaming cup of coffee in my hand
Two good-bye kisses, and I was gone.

Precious

2010-11-22T23:32:00.004-07:00

We lay, shoulders touching, our heads on the pillows and his small fingers laced with mine. He tells me a story, of wolves and submarines, of golden acorns and chimps decorating Christmas trees. Sometimes he lightly strums his guitar and sings me songs of his own design.

I listen, amazed at a glimpse into his world that is not often gifted to me. When it comes, I hang, rapt, on each word. I try my best to be in the moment and listen, while carving each word into my heart so that I never forget.

Then too soon, the curtain draws and the stream of words dries up. He goes back to repeating movie scripts, while I play the script of his cherished story over and over in my mind.

And I wait, and pray, and make do with the memory, until the next time he invites me in.

Gratitude

2010-11-21T20:45:00.002-07:00

Today I'm thankful for

Antibiotics
Mucinex
Insta-care clinics
Chicken Soup
a Dryer to warm my favorite fuzzy blanket

Here's to a healthier week to come.

Saturday Night Live

2010-11-20T23:26:00.002-07:00

The house is quiet. My familia is finally asleep. Gav stayed up late tonight; we were having too much fun and didn't want to break up the party to put him to bed. He watched a movie with us and found Adam Sandler quite funny.

I wanted to do a workout tonight, but it seems that this ear situation is affecting my balance. After crashing into the wall twice as I walked down the hall, I decided to give it up. I guess a visit to insta care will be on the agenda for me tomorrow.

I'm catching the last bit of SNL before I head for bed myself. I love Jay Pharoah's
impressions. His Denzel impression especially cracks me up. The whole cast is actually pretty good this year.

My Ear Holes, Rude Girls, and Stuff that Smells Good

2010-11-19T21:48:00.008-07:00

I need to take up swimming. At least then the swimmer's ear that I get at least twice a year will be justified. At the moment, I'd like to remove the entire right side of my face/jaw along with my ear. It just hurts. that. much.

Truthfully, I'm getting more than a little tired of being such a sick-o. I'm never, ever sick. I take care of other people, I don't lay around and sniffle. I have a hard time sitting still, so convalescing is not my idea of a good time. So I mostly just ignore and muscle through it. Maybe not the best strategy for recuperation.

Okay, that's enough whining.

We had a kind of funny experience at Target today. C needed to potty and I was alone with him, so we headed for the ladies' room. As we approached, a little girl came running up behind us, jumped in front of Chico, threw her hand up in his face, and screeched, "You can't go in here! No boys allowed!" Her mama was busy tending the other 5 kids she had hanging at various angles from her person and cart. Normally, I would just ignore her, but her putting her dirty little hand two inches from C's nose blew it for me. I said loudly, "'Scuse us, little miss busybody!" in my best singsong-chirpy schoolteacher voice. Her mom gave me a dirty look on the way out, but didn't say anything.

Chico tagged along contentedly and well behaved-ly (look at me making up words!) as I did some important errands today. I wanted this and this, and I wanted them NOW. Since he was such a good boy at the make up store and the candles and frou-frou place, I told him he could have a reward. He chose this:

and he's been playing with it all evening. Funny boy. We have a digital timer that we use for helping him with transitions, but he really digs the tick-tock and the metal bell that this one had. Not a bad toy for four bucks.

And that was how we spent our Friday.

My Own Personal Thanksgiving

2010-11-18T18:28:00.001-07:00

I have a problem, guys.

I am horrible to myself. Every time I look in the mirror, I make a mental note of some deficiency or flaw. I would never say to anyone else the things I think about myself.

I need to change that.

I'm going to spend the next week in positive self talk. When I look in the mirror, I'm going to be looking for something I like. When I work out, I'm going to ignore the wobbly bits and instead be grateful for my heart, lungs, and muscles. I'm going to try and silence the constantly flow of "Not quite good enough..." that constantly flows through my brain. To really keep myself cognizant of negative chatter, I'm imposed a rule that for any negative thoughts I have this week, I'll have to pay a 'penalty' of two compliments.

My son thinks I'm beautiful. I don't want to teach him that I'm not.

Care to join me?

PS
I can't remember how I found her, but I think she's awesome: Dances with Fat. She has given me lots to think about in the two weeks that I've been reading her blog. I just wish she and her group held classes in my area. Check out the video of her dance performance on her main page. She's amazing!

Notes from My Brain Box

2010-11-17T22:38:00.003-07:00

I'm wondering if my lappie's days are numbered. It's being annoyingly slow, and backups have consistently failed for the last 6 months. Riiiight around the time my warranty expired. Lovely. I'm currently scanning with Ad Aware and I'll be updating my antivirus stuff tonight or tomorrow.

I need to mail my sistah's birthday gift. I bought it a month before her birthday. It's now a week after her birthday and the gift is still sitting on my desk in it's half wrapped glory.

Acid Reflux is killing me slowly. I need to get to the doc for a 'script.

November is a super busy month for me. Not the best time to be sick. I will be very glad to turn my calendar page to December.

We're trying to decide whether to head to the homeland for Christmas. The drive is a gamble; it could be okay, or it could be a 13-hour white knuckled drive of terror. Last time we went, it was the latter. The psychological scars may keep us home this year. With airport security the way it is right now, 'aint no way I'm flying anytime soon.

Santa Claus is Comin'...

2010-11-16T23:27:00.002-07:00

Well, not really. We don't do Santa at our house. I mean, C knows that there's a guy called Santa, and that he's central to the Night Before Christmas story, but that's it. I think I may have mentioned once that some people think it's fun to pretend that Santa really brings presents, but at our house all gifts come from real, live people.

That's not the point.

What I was going to say, before I hijacked my own train of thought, was that Chico is quite into Christmas this year. I've been presenting him with a catalog or two a week and encouraging him to circle the items he might like to add to his Christmas list. This is the first time in his life that he's actually asking for stuff, and it's pretty exciting.

I don't want to raise him to be some sort of entitled little pirate, so I'm careful to remind him that the list is to let us know what things he likes. We discussed that he will not receive every single item, and that he may get some things that aren't on his list and won't that be a fun surprise!

It's things like this; the childhood rite of making out a Christmas list, that are proof of just how far Chico has come. Every year before this one, we've just guessed at what he might like. We had some clues, mostly from the movies he was into, or the books he most enjoyed being read, but he never said, "Hey, I think I want __________." Not until now.

I'm a sucker for Christmas. I love the Christmas Story, the decor, the music, the gift wrapping and giving, the cooking, the cards. This year, I'm really looking forward to watching C open up gifts that he asked for by name.

Extended Weekend

2010-11-15T22:43:00.004-07:00

Chico caught my lovely cold, so we stretched out our weekend by adding a sick day today. Truth be told, I needed a sick day too. I forced myself to go to work last week at the peak of my illness, when I should have just stayed home. I knew I needed to rest, but honestly, having Chico home with me usually defeats the purpose of taking sick leave.

It's terrible to say, but today he was sick enough to lay down and be quiet for a good part of the day, so we both got some much needed recuperation. It helped that Q was at work too. I don't know why, but whenever he's home, I always feel like I have to be on my feet and being productive. He's never said anything to make me feel that way, but I'm just weird like that. I feel guilty and lazy if I'm surfing the web or laying around reading when he's home, unless he's vegging out too. Today he was out makin' money though, so I got to lay on the couch like a slug and watch movies with C.

I'm only mediocre at being lazy, so in between movies I dusted, vacuumed, and mopped the floors. I ran a load of laundry and scrubbed my sink. I also polished the stove and counters, made beds, and returned all out of place items to their rightful homes. Then I fixed dinner, and cleaned up afterward. Yes, that's me on slow speed. I have to be on death's door to take a break from cleaning. In spite of all the activity, I still feel like I had a relaxing and recuperative day.

I'm hoping Chico will be feeling well enough for me to go to work tomorrow. As much as I'd love another Mommymoon day with him, it's a busy season at the office and I hate to burden my coworkers by being gone.

'Night!

Who I'd Like to Be

2010-11-14T22:56:00.006-07:00

Today's events have got me thinking...

What kind of person do I want my family to see me as?

I want to be someone who's known for listening sympathetically, without jumping in with my own opinions.
I want to be someone who doesn't make snap judgments, but who considers carefully before speaking.
I want to be someone who sees the good in people before the bad.
I want to be someone who is ready with a kind or uplifting word or action.
I want to be someone who is honest about issues or shortcomings, but only when I'm asked for my opinion.
I want to be someone who can offer constructive criticism or analysis without being insulting or hurtful.
I want to be someone who can gracefully admit when I am wrong.
I want to be someone who is a one-way avenue for gossip, and who avoids spreading it around.
I want to be someone who has genuine salvation and shows it in everything that I do.

"...make it your ambition to lead a quiet life and attend to your own business and work with your hands, just as we commanded you."
1 Thessalonians 4:11

No Time for Posting

2010-11-13T22:59:00.002-07:00

We've been shopping all day, and SNL is starting, so no time for posting today.

Here, have a picture of my cute dog

G'night!