Helpless

I have a few deeply-held beliefs.

One of these is that if someone I love is being abused, I should and must do all that I can to help. I should open my heart, my wallet, my home if needed. I can be an ear to listen, and offer advice if it's asked for.

But what if the person asking can't or won't actually follow through? What about when the abuser is harming not only an individual, but a whole family? What about the fact the there are never any marks left behind, because the violence is not physical, but psychological? What do you do when there are children witnessing this retched spectacle? How do you continue to provide a sympathetic ear when part of you is disappointed that someone would continue to live this way? How do you answer the questions about money and property in the face of a very real need to remove the breadwinner for everyone's safety? What do you say when the abuser is at home when you drop by one day, and tries to chat with you like everything's okay?

I'm heartbroken at seeing someone I love being mistreated. I can't give details; they're not mine to share. This situation has just been so heavy on my heart. I've tried to come here in the past few days, to write about something funny that's happened at home, or something cute that Chico has said. When I start to write though, I'm struck by how unfair it is, that I have a happy home and family while someone so dear to us is suffering.

I know that I am doing the right thing by listening, praying, and offering help. I'm sad that she feels trapped by financial circumstances. I'm sad that her children have heard threats, and all manner of degradation in their home. I'm even sad for the man who chooses to treat his wife and family this way.

I don't know what else to do now, but try and purge some of the sadness I've been carrying around.

A Much-Need Holiday

After a weekend of tough issues with extended family, followed by a 12-hour bout with stomach flu, I really needed an extra day off. Hurray for holidays!

Friday night brought some really sad and hard issues with our extended family. We knew that things were bad, but had no idea just how bad until Friday. It's a bad situation for the entire family involved. We are heartbroken for them, and feel so helpless. It's maddening when the selfishness and poor decisions of an individual impact an entire family.

Sunday, I woke up achy and feeling tired, but thought it was just due to my unusually late bedtime the two nights before. Within a couple of hours of waking, I was shivering under a quilt on the couch. I spent the day drifting in and out of sleeping, in between racing to the bathroom to be sick. Thank goodness Q was home that day and took care of Chico. I kept willing myself to get up and do mom stuff, but it was futile the early evening. Even then, I was dragging.

I woke up feeling better, and today was much more productive. I did four loads of laundry, did the normal house 'dailies', and Chico and I did two day's worth of school. We had to catch up from Chico's own sick day from last week. Afterwards, we went outdoors to play in the snow for a couple of hours. Then we came in, fixed dinner, ate, and cleaned up.

I had planned a day of quarterly cleaning; you know, those areas like outside doors, and ceiling vents that don't get cleaned as often. At least, they don't at my house. Sadly, I didn't get to that list, since I spent the day making up for what didn't get done yesterday. Ah well, there's always next weekend.

Taking Care of Mama

2010 will be the year of my selfishness.

I'm off to a good start. I've exercised, given myself a mani/pedi, watched a movie that I wanted to see, and checked out an armload of books that have nothing whatsoever to do with mothering, wife-ing, cooking, organizing, or budgeting. 'Course, I have another armload that do have to do with all of those things, but that's not the point.

I've spent the last few years neglecting myself, believing that I wasn't worthy of the time it would take away from my family. My entire focus was on those two that I love so dearly, but now I can see I need to care for me too.

I've got a cup of tea ready, and I'm just heading off to soak in the tub and watch a little fluff entertainment on DVD.

Here's to selfishness.

Brrr!

We spent a chilly Saturday at Hardware Ranch, a working ranch and wildlife management area. The ranch houses and feeds an average of 600 elk during the winter season. Sleigh rides are available, which allow you to get an up-close look at the animals. The rides are basically a loop around group of penned-in animals, and Chico wasn't up for a ride anyhow, so we decided to skip that part. We spent our time there climbing hills, tossing snowballs, and making snow angels.

Chico had a grand time watching the other kids ride their sleds down the hills. A nice gentlemen came over to offer him the use of a sled or to come over and ride with his daughters, but Chico didn't want to. To his credit, Chico politely said "No thank you." We plan to take our own sled another day and see if he'll give it a go. If he doesn't at least we'll get some exercise pulling him along the flat paths.

Chico also got a big kick out of watching the snow machines go by. We may look into renting a pair one day before the winter's over. Q and I have ridden before, and they are very fun.

All in all it was a great day. We got to build our snowman, I got to play with my DSLR, and we all got some much-needed fun and fresh air.

Do Tell

I set a goal for last year, to have 52 books read by the end of 2009. I finished one book short of my goal, for a still-respectable total of 51 books read.

I've set the same goal for 2010, but I need some new titles to add to my queue. I read any and everything; memoirs and biographies are my favorites, but I make it a point to make sure every other book I read is from the 'something else' category. Categories I refuse to read unless there is college credit involved: Sci Fi, Romance novels, or the ubiquitous Vampire series.

So tell me, what books would you recommend?

Flexing My Muscules

In the time-honored tradition of "Fake it 'til you make it," I'm going to try to get back into more regular posting.

I started thinking last night about my current lack of posts. It occurred to me that perhaps part of the reason I'm having trouble writing here is that my focus has shifted a bit. When I began this blog, I was the mom of a three-year-old (!), who I was beginning to have some serious concerns about. I knew that something was different about Chico, but I didn't know what. My entire focus was on helping him 'catch up', and if he didn't, to find out why. Q and I had a very different marriage than we do today. I spent all of my energy on those I loved, and gave little or nothing to nourishing my own spirit. I had accepted Christ into my heart when I was 14, but in late 2006 when this journal began, my walk with Him was not a daily or close one.

In the past three years, I have received, rejected, grieved, and finally, accepted a diagnosis of Autism for my son. Autism is no longer the monster in the closet I refuse to acknowledge. It's not even the focal point of every day. It is simply one part of our very rich and blessed life together.

I'm now the mom of a six-year-old (!), who is rolling down the hill toward 7 faster than I'd like. My darling Q, who I have been mad about for the past eighteen years, is the husband and father I always prayed he'd be. My walk with Christ is the one I had as a new Christian, tempered and improved over time, like all good relationships are.

The biggest change is that I'm taking time for myself. I exercise each and every day. I read books just for me, in addition to those topics like marriage, autism, and health care that I read for the good of my family. I work on projects now and again. I even venture out of the house alone once in a while, something I didn't do for years, unless it was to work.

I spent a little time in my archives today, smiling, laughing, cringing. It's amazing to have this chronicle of my life to look back on.

I'm looking forward to a new year. I wish all the best for each of you.

Long Time No Blog

I think this has been my longest span without posting. I've come here to post a few times, only to hover over the 'delete' button, chicken out, and close the window.

There's still a lot to say, but it seems I've lost my voice a bit. When I started this blog, I was excited to become part of what seemed to be a wonderful community. And it is, for the most part. However, I've seen lots of negativity come from it as well, and I just don't know if I want to open myself up for that.

We're doing a couple of weeks of homeschool-lite. I hadn't originally planned a break, but between holiday festivities and Daddy being home for 18 days straight, that's how it worked out. We've had come academia-less days, and some less-academia days. We've made up for this in the form of extra science / math (baking and cooking, dontcha know), and extra phys. ed. (playing outdoors in the snow).

Christmas was great. Chico anticipated, participated, and verbalized like nobody's business. I think I've learned a little too, and we had a quiet and peaceful Christmas Eve, just us three and our pup. There were a few hints dropped that we 'should have' opened our home up for Christmas Eve like we usually do, but I sidestepped and ignored these to the best of my ability. It's hard to feel like we're letting people down, but ultimately, it's more important to me that the holiday be enjoyable for Chico, Q, and ... even for me. Boy, if that's not selfish, right??

Besides, I cooked a feast for 16 people on Christmas Day, and I feel like that was enough. I spent no less than 20 hours over four days preparing tamales, posole, ham, potatoes, cookies, pretzles, bread, salads, and sides to feed a crowd. I was exhausted to the point of tears on Christmas Day. Some of our family members are used to us hosting every holiday, and I know they we disappointed that I 86'd Christmas Eve, but that's the plan for future years as well. Christmas Eve is for the Familia Azul from now on. I will also never again spend most of Christmas Eve on my feet in the kitchen, even it means serving **glances around furtively** a pot-luck dinner of Christmas Day. Oh, the horror!

We missed being in New Mexico for Christmas this year, but the slower pace and less hectic schedule were wonderful, especially for me. I bear most of the responsibility for myself and Chico when we're there, and even though it's fun, it's always stressful as well. As much as I enjoy spending the holidays with out parents and extended family, I have to admit is was nice to do thing on a smaller scale.

Work is a short stint this week. I have one more day before I get to enjoy another 3 day weekend.